The best part of this post is that the title was saved (no actual text, mind you) back in April.
I never even came back to attempt said excuse for hiatus. Le sigh.
I'm not sure I actually feel like attempting it now. Here's the long and short of it: My work schedule hasn't changed, so neither has my ability to train with any sort of regularity. I got wore out from trying to scramble after people to train with all hours of the night and day, and having them either bail last second or never commit to begin with. I also know myself enough to realize that once a week at an open mat isn't enough for me.
I still make it to my self defense class, with some regularity. And maybe as the seasons change and weather turns crummy again I may find myself more apt to hanging around for open mat, but during this summer, I just couldn't convince myself to stay in a room breathing in the smell of staph, foot, and ass and teasing myself with a tiny bit of bjj. I love it too much to halfass it. That's the truth of it.
I feel the pull still, but have had to acknowledge that I cannot pursue it as I do all things I actually care about: relentlessly.
So rather than torture myself with what isn't, I've just shifted focus to what I can do.
And pursuing what I can do has led to me getting more than halfway through my weight loss goals. That has to translate to mat improvement, whenever I do resume training. My cardio has to be better (although most days you'd have your hands full trying to convince me of it). My flexibility has come back.
I'm trying to make sure I don't let the sort of misery I sometimes experienced in bjj find its way into my pursuits in crossfit, although I've already sensed familiar patterns of annoyance as I chase after strict pullups.
It's supposed to be hard. It's supposed to take time and work. But above all, it's supposed to be fun.
more another time.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Sunday, December 8, 2013
chugging along nicely so far.
Made it through the first "cycle" of 5/3/1 and still made it to crossfit four times this week. Didn't catch a cold (my usual first response), but I have to say that by Friday I was seriously fatigued. And my sleep absolutely sucked all week. And I was hungry all the time. I mean I was even waking up hungry.
I didn't get in as much/any jiu jitsu as I'd have liked, but the honest admission here is I'm blase about it right now. And this happens from time to time. Maybe it's because I'm more focused on crossfit at the moment, maybe it's just my natural response to not being able to train with the sort of regularity I would prefer. I'm waiting for the next "aha" moment or the next path to pique my interest in it again.
And I think I've found it - always a reliable source of obsess-worthy material, World Martial Arts graciously released two new series from Ryan Hall. One I'm definitely excited about - passing the guard, and another I'm excited about because I know one of my favorite training partners will be stoked about - the inverted guard.
I don't dislike the inverted guard, it's just not the most easy thing for me. Yet. This may be what turns it around for me, or at least makes me less apprehensive about anything involving inversion.
Guard passing has long been a path I've felt the need to spend more time exploring, getting lost, getting found on. With all due respect to my trusty smash pass, I don't want to be a one trick pony. Especially if everyone else figures out that trick, leaving me to be a no trick pony.
Hunting season is pretty much over for me, so that distraction is also removed. Add to that an influx of people looking to resume drilling, and hopefully the love affair will begin anew. I won't force it, but I think I've finally made peace with letting it be what it will be, when it will be.
With yesterday being my forced rest day, it was hard to keep my mind from wandering to darker places, especially with the anniversary of my grandmother's passing approaching. It's been several years, but still knocks me for a loop. I was glad to get back to the gym to lift today for sure, to release some endorphins and find some clarity that simply would not reveal itself to me yesterday.
And that's fine. It's perfectly okay to have a dour mood about this, it's a heavy thing. And it's one of several pretty heavy things I deal with on a day to day basis. I underscore this too often. I stop short of acknowledging it - the equivalent of the stiff upper lip? - mostly because the burden hasn't shifted much. I don't see it shifting soon, either. I don't mean that to sound as negative as it reads, I'm merely being realistic. Stating a sound observation.
Anyway. 5/3/1 went well. It made for some soreness that impacted my performances at crossfit, but I'm anxious to see how the effort translates over. It has also made me REALLY appreciate the coaching, the facilities, and the community. Some of the lifts have just NOT felt at all natural in the setting of Nautilus - notably the leg-based ones. Squats felt weird and uninspired, and deadlifts (today) felt downright alien on the deficit platform. I'm not sure how my form was on them, and I had real hesitation in selecting assistance exercises to perform. I'll need to put the blinders on perhaps. Nothing hurt, or is hurt, so I guess there's at least that from today's work. However I think subsequent weeks of deadlifts are going to leave me nervous.
Huh. As I took a pause from typing, someone sent me a message asking if I wanted to train tomorrow. And it made me smile. As good a sign as any other I can think of.
I didn't get in as much/any jiu jitsu as I'd have liked, but the honest admission here is I'm blase about it right now. And this happens from time to time. Maybe it's because I'm more focused on crossfit at the moment, maybe it's just my natural response to not being able to train with the sort of regularity I would prefer. I'm waiting for the next "aha" moment or the next path to pique my interest in it again.
And I think I've found it - always a reliable source of obsess-worthy material, World Martial Arts graciously released two new series from Ryan Hall. One I'm definitely excited about - passing the guard, and another I'm excited about because I know one of my favorite training partners will be stoked about - the inverted guard.
I don't dislike the inverted guard, it's just not the most easy thing for me. Yet. This may be what turns it around for me, or at least makes me less apprehensive about anything involving inversion.
Guard passing has long been a path I've felt the need to spend more time exploring, getting lost, getting found on. With all due respect to my trusty smash pass, I don't want to be a one trick pony. Especially if everyone else figures out that trick, leaving me to be a no trick pony.
Hunting season is pretty much over for me, so that distraction is also removed. Add to that an influx of people looking to resume drilling, and hopefully the love affair will begin anew. I won't force it, but I think I've finally made peace with letting it be what it will be, when it will be.
With yesterday being my forced rest day, it was hard to keep my mind from wandering to darker places, especially with the anniversary of my grandmother's passing approaching. It's been several years, but still knocks me for a loop. I was glad to get back to the gym to lift today for sure, to release some endorphins and find some clarity that simply would not reveal itself to me yesterday.
And that's fine. It's perfectly okay to have a dour mood about this, it's a heavy thing. And it's one of several pretty heavy things I deal with on a day to day basis. I underscore this too often. I stop short of acknowledging it - the equivalent of the stiff upper lip? - mostly because the burden hasn't shifted much. I don't see it shifting soon, either. I don't mean that to sound as negative as it reads, I'm merely being realistic. Stating a sound observation.
Anyway. 5/3/1 went well. It made for some soreness that impacted my performances at crossfit, but I'm anxious to see how the effort translates over. It has also made me REALLY appreciate the coaching, the facilities, and the community. Some of the lifts have just NOT felt at all natural in the setting of Nautilus - notably the leg-based ones. Squats felt weird and uninspired, and deadlifts (today) felt downright alien on the deficit platform. I'm not sure how my form was on them, and I had real hesitation in selecting assistance exercises to perform. I'll need to put the blinders on perhaps. Nothing hurt, or is hurt, so I guess there's at least that from today's work. However I think subsequent weeks of deadlifts are going to leave me nervous.
Huh. As I took a pause from typing, someone sent me a message asking if I wanted to train tomorrow. And it made me smile. As good a sign as any other I can think of.
Friday, November 29, 2013
has something awakened, or is my ego running rampant...
the earlier part of this week, something set me the hell off - it really wasn't anything new, but for some reason it just didn't sit well with me. I was struggling with deadlifts at crossfit, which also isn't news - after injuring myself pulling up 235 a year or so back, I've had some serious fear and apprehension.
But I'd long since gotten back to okay numbers, usually putting up 205 easily. That day, I stalled out at 185. I looked around and watched other ladies surpass that with varying degrees of ease.
And it made me furious. And determined.
In my earlier, formative years of lifting, it wasn't at all unusual for me to put up the highest numbers in my gym. In fact, I usually insisted on that being the case. But those were the days of youth, pride, and better recovery systems. And more recently, I've had to settle for not being anywhere near the strongest girl in the room. And I've been just fine with that. I normally take a goodly portion of inspiration from seeing folks put my numbers to shame.
So what the hell changed?
"Pride goes before the fall"
This has echoed in my head for the past few days. I bumbled through a workout that involved a stout number of deadlifts at lower weight this week. As per usual, my back tightened way the hell up. Not to the point of injury, just a strange fatigue that I couldn't justify the early appearance of. It made no sense - how can my lower back tire so quickly? I mean, I do bjj. I can do any variation of a squat with a fairly respectable weight. I stand in guard with far heavier weights wrapped around my hips.
what. the. deuce.
Halfway through, I pulled plates off the bar thinking it would return me to proper form. Nope. So it wasn't the weight. It was suggested to me that I stop, mid workout, if my back wasn't digging it. That just set me off into a ridiculous prideful fit that I now regret.
What am I trying to prove? I could've reinjured my back insisting on that sort of display. I'm probably lucky that I did not. That time. Idiot.
I've since been reading up on the 5/3/1 method of strength training, and would like to give it an honest go. A friend remarked "oh yeah, good call, more lifting. Since you need more injuries." And I don't know if this is good advice or not. Is more lifting what I need? Or less. I mean logically, more time under/around the bar should translate into better performance, should it not? Or would I be derailing the programming at crossfit by supplementing it...
This hasn't been all negativity. I mean, I'm newly driven towards improvement, which I think is a good thing. I just need to figure out how to temper that enthusiasm into helpful, not hurtful, ways. My tendency towards red-lining is well documented.
so I guess I need a choke chain for my ego during this phase. and a short leash.
But I'd long since gotten back to okay numbers, usually putting up 205 easily. That day, I stalled out at 185. I looked around and watched other ladies surpass that with varying degrees of ease.
And it made me furious. And determined.
In my earlier, formative years of lifting, it wasn't at all unusual for me to put up the highest numbers in my gym. In fact, I usually insisted on that being the case. But those were the days of youth, pride, and better recovery systems. And more recently, I've had to settle for not being anywhere near the strongest girl in the room. And I've been just fine with that. I normally take a goodly portion of inspiration from seeing folks put my numbers to shame.
So what the hell changed?
"Pride goes before the fall"
This has echoed in my head for the past few days. I bumbled through a workout that involved a stout number of deadlifts at lower weight this week. As per usual, my back tightened way the hell up. Not to the point of injury, just a strange fatigue that I couldn't justify the early appearance of. It made no sense - how can my lower back tire so quickly? I mean, I do bjj. I can do any variation of a squat with a fairly respectable weight. I stand in guard with far heavier weights wrapped around my hips.
what. the. deuce.
Halfway through, I pulled plates off the bar thinking it would return me to proper form. Nope. So it wasn't the weight. It was suggested to me that I stop, mid workout, if my back wasn't digging it. That just set me off into a ridiculous prideful fit that I now regret.
What am I trying to prove? I could've reinjured my back insisting on that sort of display. I'm probably lucky that I did not. That time. Idiot.
I've since been reading up on the 5/3/1 method of strength training, and would like to give it an honest go. A friend remarked "oh yeah, good call, more lifting. Since you need more injuries." And I don't know if this is good advice or not. Is more lifting what I need? Or less. I mean logically, more time under/around the bar should translate into better performance, should it not? Or would I be derailing the programming at crossfit by supplementing it...
This hasn't been all negativity. I mean, I'm newly driven towards improvement, which I think is a good thing. I just need to figure out how to temper that enthusiasm into helpful, not hurtful, ways. My tendency towards red-lining is well documented.
so I guess I need a choke chain for my ego during this phase. and a short leash.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Time to set new goals
Realized partway through the week that I have, since obtaining my purple belt, gotten lax on setting new goals. Or perhaps am just feeling lazy about it all. I'm not sure which.
I've settled into being happy to study the earlier curriculum, assist folks working towards their blue belts, or even just their first stripe on their white belt. And I don't think either is at a huge detriment - it's reviewing portions of the curriculum that I never had to test for, having shown up with my blue belt and some stripes before the curriculum ever came into the picture for me.
I'm seeing a lot of the curriculum with new eyes. Seeing things way differently than the first however many times I watched the moves done. Connecting the dots. Hearing what isn't being said. And that's pretty cool.
Meanwhile, other folks are already obsessing over putting stripes on their new purple belts. Man, I still don't see what all the rush is about. And that could easily be a function of my having accepted slow rank progression as just a matter of course for me. I'm still not able to attend regular classes, so I guess I don't fixate so much on advancement. I know it's going to take me longer. Which is also fine by me, since I prefer being thorough. I prefer knowing the bejeezus out of the moves long before I test on them.
I've heard it said that by the time you reach purple, you're done learning new moves. That you simply refine what you have already acquired. I hope that isn't true - I'm coming back around to things I never thought would be a part of my game, learning new positions that have drawn the current favor, and I'm still not satisfied with it. I still want more. I want to take my sweet time enmeshing myself with every dvd I ever bought, learning it inside and out, seeing if any of it works for me, and if not, fine, how do I defend against it.
Maybe I'd do better to focus on that instead. I felt, once promoted, a huge relief more than anything else. Sure, it was validating, and I feel very proud of what I achieved, but since then, my underlying thought has been "Good. Now I can go back to just studying it at my own pace."
But something about that is making me feel... lazy.
I've settled into being happy to study the earlier curriculum, assist folks working towards their blue belts, or even just their first stripe on their white belt. And I don't think either is at a huge detriment - it's reviewing portions of the curriculum that I never had to test for, having shown up with my blue belt and some stripes before the curriculum ever came into the picture for me.
I'm seeing a lot of the curriculum with new eyes. Seeing things way differently than the first however many times I watched the moves done. Connecting the dots. Hearing what isn't being said. And that's pretty cool.
Meanwhile, other folks are already obsessing over putting stripes on their new purple belts. Man, I still don't see what all the rush is about. And that could easily be a function of my having accepted slow rank progression as just a matter of course for me. I'm still not able to attend regular classes, so I guess I don't fixate so much on advancement. I know it's going to take me longer. Which is also fine by me, since I prefer being thorough. I prefer knowing the bejeezus out of the moves long before I test on them.
I've heard it said that by the time you reach purple, you're done learning new moves. That you simply refine what you have already acquired. I hope that isn't true - I'm coming back around to things I never thought would be a part of my game, learning new positions that have drawn the current favor, and I'm still not satisfied with it. I still want more. I want to take my sweet time enmeshing myself with every dvd I ever bought, learning it inside and out, seeing if any of it works for me, and if not, fine, how do I defend against it.
Maybe I'd do better to focus on that instead. I felt, once promoted, a huge relief more than anything else. Sure, it was validating, and I feel very proud of what I achieved, but since then, my underlying thought has been "Good. Now I can go back to just studying it at my own pace."
But something about that is making me feel... lazy.
Friday, September 6, 2013
I can math, dammit.
Alright.
Now that I'm officially in my new house, I figured "cool, self. Let's go ahead and resume magazine delivery, and renew some expired subscriptions..."
Top of my list: Gracie Mag. I love that magazine (even though I have to spend more energy ignoring the various pervasive bias(es) than I used to), and have kept every issue. So off to their website I go, credit card in tow. Okay, looks like it's 24 months, 12, or 6 months. And there are free gifts with each. Okay, I like the t-shirt with the 6-month... add to cart. check out.
What the deuce.
$25.00 shipping?!
Hold the damned phone. Err, keyboard.
Calculator.
$8.95 x 6 = $53.70. Less my 10% discount at Books A Million, That's $48.33
Graciemag webstore price, with shipping: $64.40
Pure bullshit. Hell to the nizzo.
I mean, really.
Comparatively, 1 yr subscription to Jiu Jitsu Magazine: $37.99.
Yeah, I think My answer is pretty damned clear: option C - order both from budovideos, and come up with excuses to buy additional stuff ;)
Now that I'm officially in my new house, I figured "cool, self. Let's go ahead and resume magazine delivery, and renew some expired subscriptions..."
Top of my list: Gracie Mag. I love that magazine (even though I have to spend more energy ignoring the various pervasive bias(es) than I used to), and have kept every issue. So off to their website I go, credit card in tow. Okay, looks like it's 24 months, 12, or 6 months. And there are free gifts with each. Okay, I like the t-shirt with the 6-month... add to cart. check out.
What the deuce.
$25.00 shipping?!
Hold the damned phone. Err, keyboard.
Calculator.
$8.95 x 6 = $53.70. Less my 10% discount at Books A Million, That's $48.33
Graciemag webstore price, with shipping: $64.40
Pure bullshit. Hell to the nizzo.
I mean, really.
Comparatively, 1 yr subscription to Jiu Jitsu Magazine: $37.99.
Yeah, I think My answer is pretty damned clear: option C - order both from budovideos, and come up with excuses to buy additional stuff ;)
Thursday, September 5, 2013
I should really have some lengthy, lofty post for this, but
Here's the long and short of it: I got my purple belt. like 2 1/2 weeks ago. While I'd been told to get my shit together and test "soon" I had no idea how soon it would be. I was figuring a few months down the line.
I was told about 3 hours prior that I'd be testing. I've been packing and moving and unpacking, but had zero idea where the hell any of my materials were - so there was no studying/cramming or anything of the sort. So I just made peace with either knowing enough or not. Either earning the belt or not.
But I'd also placed trust in my instructor to not push me into a test I wasn't ready for. If we all waited for me to say "I'm ready" then the process would've easily taken another 6 months or more. Because I'm never "ready" to my liking. If it isn't perfect, I don't proceed.
But perfect never really happens. I'd do well to stop chasing it, and holding myself back for it.
I'm relieved that it's over, and I'm happy that I was successful, mostly by virtue of now being able to stop being distracted by it all and resuming the study of the art. Which is what I love most about it - the endless study, the elusiveness of any sort of mastery.
I was told that I should be done acquiring moves now. That the core of my game has been set and now it's about refinement. I'm not sure that it's as closed a door as that. There are too many things in flux that could change things. But maybe it won't. I'll always favor open guard, I imagine. Don't see that going away. But as I age, as I lose weight, as I gain strength, flexibility, etc. moves that were before out of my range are coming into reach.
But I am content to wait and see how it all develops. Work still knocks me out of a decent schedule that will allow training. But I'll work around it, same as always. While my other purple belted cohorts now chase off against each other towards brown, I'm going in reverse to rededicate myself towards learning the earlier curriculum. It allows me two things I like doing: immersing myself in study, and helping others to understand said study.
I really never should have let anything deter me from that anyway. Damned herd behavior.
I was told about 3 hours prior that I'd be testing. I've been packing and moving and unpacking, but had zero idea where the hell any of my materials were - so there was no studying/cramming or anything of the sort. So I just made peace with either knowing enough or not. Either earning the belt or not.
But I'd also placed trust in my instructor to not push me into a test I wasn't ready for. If we all waited for me to say "I'm ready" then the process would've easily taken another 6 months or more. Because I'm never "ready" to my liking. If it isn't perfect, I don't proceed.
But perfect never really happens. I'd do well to stop chasing it, and holding myself back for it.
I'm relieved that it's over, and I'm happy that I was successful, mostly by virtue of now being able to stop being distracted by it all and resuming the study of the art. Which is what I love most about it - the endless study, the elusiveness of any sort of mastery.
I was told that I should be done acquiring moves now. That the core of my game has been set and now it's about refinement. I'm not sure that it's as closed a door as that. There are too many things in flux that could change things. But maybe it won't. I'll always favor open guard, I imagine. Don't see that going away. But as I age, as I lose weight, as I gain strength, flexibility, etc. moves that were before out of my range are coming into reach.
But I am content to wait and see how it all develops. Work still knocks me out of a decent schedule that will allow training. But I'll work around it, same as always. While my other purple belted cohorts now chase off against each other towards brown, I'm going in reverse to rededicate myself towards learning the earlier curriculum. It allows me two things I like doing: immersing myself in study, and helping others to understand said study.
I really never should have let anything deter me from that anyway. Damned herd behavior.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
sometimes it clicks, sometimes it leaves you hanging with your mouth agape.
so I've been hitting the curriculum hard. Trying to gear up for 4th stripe, as I was charged with getting my act in gear and getting it done already. I tend to let a LOT of time go by before I'll test on curriculum. I am not a fan of this whole get your next [rank belt stripe] in 5 minutes culture that seems to be going on in bjj lately.
you have to let that shit marinate. cook it on low heat. love it. tend to it. let it do its thing gracefully. immerse in it.
it's been my nature with anything I love. typical creative brain. I want to be totally enmeshed with it before moving on from it. I want to know it inside out, all 360 degrees.
when someone asks me about XYZ move on a part of the curriculum that I've supposedly mastered, I don't want to go blank. that is disrespect. To my teacher, and his teacher, and his teacher.
[edit] later that day... Received my 4th stripe Sunday. It may've been an unnecessary undertaking, but I wanted to specifically test for and demonstrate the curriculum moves. It changes nothing with regards to being expected to belt test in the next few months. And that makes me nervous.
There's still so much to be done. So much to review and master. I want to take the time to study the entire curriculum like I have the past stripe's worth. It seems like it makes more sense now than it did back when I tested for 2nd, 3rd, etc. Not to mention the entirety of the curriculum that came before (i.e.- white belt as a whole and 1st stripe blue).
So often I tell newer folks that just because they don't like a move they've learned today, it doesn't mean that it won't make more sense later on down the road. It may become a move they like later. Once their bodies become adept at executing it, or once they find themselves in a situation where it's the easiest, most natural way to counter something. In the spirit of that statement, I feel compelled to go back and rework things.
But I've only a few months (hell I don't know, it may only be weeks) to do so before testing will ambush me. And during that time I really need to work on flowing better. Seeing opportunities better. Not sucking at rolling. All easier said than done perhaps (nevermind the obstacle of my work schedule).
Meh. Whatever will be, will be. I might be forced to test and fail. Whoop dee doo. My path will likely not change much based on that. That said, I feel way less worried about it. Back to pushing the rock.
you have to let that shit marinate. cook it on low heat. love it. tend to it. let it do its thing gracefully. immerse in it.
it's been my nature with anything I love. typical creative brain. I want to be totally enmeshed with it before moving on from it. I want to know it inside out, all 360 degrees.
when someone asks me about XYZ move on a part of the curriculum that I've supposedly mastered, I don't want to go blank. that is disrespect. To my teacher, and his teacher, and his teacher.
[edit] later that day... Received my 4th stripe Sunday. It may've been an unnecessary undertaking, but I wanted to specifically test for and demonstrate the curriculum moves. It changes nothing with regards to being expected to belt test in the next few months. And that makes me nervous.
There's still so much to be done. So much to review and master. I want to take the time to study the entire curriculum like I have the past stripe's worth. It seems like it makes more sense now than it did back when I tested for 2nd, 3rd, etc. Not to mention the entirety of the curriculum that came before (i.e.- white belt as a whole and 1st stripe blue).
So often I tell newer folks that just because they don't like a move they've learned today, it doesn't mean that it won't make more sense later on down the road. It may become a move they like later. Once their bodies become adept at executing it, or once they find themselves in a situation where it's the easiest, most natural way to counter something. In the spirit of that statement, I feel compelled to go back and rework things.
But I've only a few months (hell I don't know, it may only be weeks) to do so before testing will ambush me. And during that time I really need to work on flowing better. Seeing opportunities better. Not sucking at rolling. All easier said than done perhaps (nevermind the obstacle of my work schedule).
Meh. Whatever will be, will be. I might be forced to test and fail. Whoop dee doo. My path will likely not change much based on that. That said, I feel way less worried about it. Back to pushing the rock.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Ha. So that lasted all of one week.
My victory was short lived. Before the end of the first week of my new, jiu-jitsu-friendly schedule, news came down from corporate that no, actually, we need to change your schedule. Again.
That I've just come to expect this sort of disappointment may have softened the blow, but ultimately makes me wonder just how jacked up my head is in that I've become so accepting of this inconsistency, of this constant "over the barrel"ing. I mean, really. Did I actually go to grad school for this sort of dickery?
Alas, at least I can still barely fit in crossfit. And at least I'm dropping weight. Both are good things. I make do with weekend open mats as I can, but with the summer months arriving, people are far more inclined to attend barbeques than open mat.
And I can dig it. I've been known to happily compensate open mat attendance fails with a kayak trip. I'm trying to work with what IS available to me instead of focusing so much on what ISN'T. Why continue to be morose and pensive thinking about what I'm not doing instead of just going after what I CAN do?
Releasing the frantic choke hold of doom on the biological clock of OMGMUSTTRAINBJJGETALLTHEBELTS has left the art way more enjoyable. I "lose" a lot of training time to white belts who want to study early curriculum moves, and I don't mind it as much. Sometimes I only get to rep out what I actually had in mind a few times. Meh. Whatevs.
Part of me feels lazy, another part still feels like a jilted girlfriend. But the fact of the matter is I can't train like the other folks can. I can't make classes. I largely have to direct my own study. In those obstacles, my progression will suffer. But we have to make the best of what's around sometimes...
That I've just come to expect this sort of disappointment may have softened the blow, but ultimately makes me wonder just how jacked up my head is in that I've become so accepting of this inconsistency, of this constant "over the barrel"ing. I mean, really. Did I actually go to grad school for this sort of dickery?
Alas, at least I can still barely fit in crossfit. And at least I'm dropping weight. Both are good things. I make do with weekend open mats as I can, but with the summer months arriving, people are far more inclined to attend barbeques than open mat.
And I can dig it. I've been known to happily compensate open mat attendance fails with a kayak trip. I'm trying to work with what IS available to me instead of focusing so much on what ISN'T. Why continue to be morose and pensive thinking about what I'm not doing instead of just going after what I CAN do?
Releasing the frantic choke hold of doom on the biological clock of OMGMUSTTRAINBJJGETALLTHEBELTS has left the art way more enjoyable. I "lose" a lot of training time to white belts who want to study early curriculum moves, and I don't mind it as much. Sometimes I only get to rep out what I actually had in mind a few times. Meh. Whatevs.
Part of me feels lazy, another part still feels like a jilted girlfriend. But the fact of the matter is I can't train like the other folks can. I can't make classes. I largely have to direct my own study. In those obstacles, my progression will suffer. But we have to make the best of what's around sometimes...
Saturday, June 1, 2013
an end to the scheduling blues... for now
So, effective this coming week, I'm back on a more normal work shift, allowing me to return to evening bjj classes. I am equal parts elated, pensive, and hesitant.
In the interim of time where I could not really train but maybe once a week or two, I've instead focused on crossfit. Really, really focused. In the span of around a month, I went from hoping I could make it twice a week, to regularly going four time and being annoyed at the one day during the week I'd miss to rest.
I've gone, in those few weeks, from crawling and scrambling to even approach the sort of things I could do before injuries took me out of the box for a good long while to chasing PRs - mine and others'. Hell, I even took ten minutes off my Murph time this year.
My concern is how I will break up my trainings. I hate to give up any crossfit, since I'm seeing a LOT of progress from it. And who says I have to. I'll just have to rededicate myself to making my nutrition and rest/recovery no laughing matter. Which I need to do anyways. Or continue to do I should say.
What I don't know is how the re-indoctrination will go. During my time studying and drilling in the mornings, I've concluded that that is my ideal training scenario. I seem to retain more. So I guess I'll have to retool the way I absorb, take better control of my evening class training to tailor it more to my needs.
Returning to active rolling/sparring will suck. For a long time. Period. And it will until my timing develops, and it will until my transition from power/strength game to flexible/speed/technique game furthers. Neither will be remotely overnight.
But nothing worthwhile is.
Trying to not overthink it (failing miserably) and just enjoy that I have the option to train for now.
In the interim of time where I could not really train but maybe once a week or two, I've instead focused on crossfit. Really, really focused. In the span of around a month, I went from hoping I could make it twice a week, to regularly going four time and being annoyed at the one day during the week I'd miss to rest.
I've gone, in those few weeks, from crawling and scrambling to even approach the sort of things I could do before injuries took me out of the box for a good long while to chasing PRs - mine and others'. Hell, I even took ten minutes off my Murph time this year.
My concern is how I will break up my trainings. I hate to give up any crossfit, since I'm seeing a LOT of progress from it. And who says I have to. I'll just have to rededicate myself to making my nutrition and rest/recovery no laughing matter. Which I need to do anyways. Or continue to do I should say.
What I don't know is how the re-indoctrination will go. During my time studying and drilling in the mornings, I've concluded that that is my ideal training scenario. I seem to retain more. So I guess I'll have to retool the way I absorb, take better control of my evening class training to tailor it more to my needs.
Returning to active rolling/sparring will suck. For a long time. Period. And it will until my timing develops, and it will until my transition from power/strength game to flexible/speed/technique game furthers. Neither will be remotely overnight.
But nothing worthwhile is.
Trying to not overthink it (failing miserably) and just enjoy that I have the option to train for now.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
more than a little bummed.
So upon waking and checking my various social media feeds, I come across word that a training partner received his blue belt last night. I remember when he first started, and spent a lot of his "early years" in morning classes with him.
Needless to say, I'm so very proud of him and for him, since he's been so consistent and progressed into a really mature bjj player. He's one of the people I always try and grab whenever I am around for open mats or whatnot because while he's a strong beast, he doesn't use it to lord over me. He's fun to work with - finds that elusive mix of appropriate challenge and resistance. I appreciate that to no end.
While I am always acutely aware that my present work schedule has caused various limitations and greatly impacted my overall involvement, it's things like this that really drive that point home and make me upset. I had to hear about this after the fact. Had I the option, I'd have preferred to have been present for it. I feel like one of those parents who are too busy for their kids.
I mean, I'm doing the best I can. And things are going well with my morning studies - maybe better than what I originally expected. It's just a little distraction from the path, but still. I'm kinda mournful about what I'm missing.
I don't know if it's complacence or just a healthy way of looking at it, but lately I'm more interested in the sort of studying I've been doing - taking my sweet time to rep out moves, ponder the why's and why not's of a move, let the recognition just come along on its own. I've spent the past three or so weeks studying chokes - a long-time void. And it's coming along nicely. Chokes aren't making me pissed off the way they used to. Taking away the pressure of "learn this move real fast right now in like two reps now roll live and land it" seems to agree with me.
Needless to say, I'm so very proud of him and for him, since he's been so consistent and progressed into a really mature bjj player. He's one of the people I always try and grab whenever I am around for open mats or whatnot because while he's a strong beast, he doesn't use it to lord over me. He's fun to work with - finds that elusive mix of appropriate challenge and resistance. I appreciate that to no end.
While I am always acutely aware that my present work schedule has caused various limitations and greatly impacted my overall involvement, it's things like this that really drive that point home and make me upset. I had to hear about this after the fact. Had I the option, I'd have preferred to have been present for it. I feel like one of those parents who are too busy for their kids.
I mean, I'm doing the best I can. And things are going well with my morning studies - maybe better than what I originally expected. It's just a little distraction from the path, but still. I'm kinda mournful about what I'm missing.
I don't know if it's complacence or just a healthy way of looking at it, but lately I'm more interested in the sort of studying I've been doing - taking my sweet time to rep out moves, ponder the why's and why not's of a move, let the recognition just come along on its own. I've spent the past three or so weeks studying chokes - a long-time void. And it's coming along nicely. Chokes aren't making me pissed off the way they used to. Taking away the pressure of "learn this move real fast right now in like two reps now roll live and land it" seems to agree with me.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
tiny victory.
open mat yesterday. And there's a local tournament coming up. I normally avoid such open mats because people seem to be wanting to go a little harder than normal, and being that I'm not competing... I don't see the sense in being in such proximity to injuryland.
I had a lot of frustrations with how the day went. I didn't get to train at all with my instructor, again, because the competing members were allotted the priority. That really bummed me out, being that my work schedule keeps me from getting any time with the instructor as is. But it's not new. And while it smacks of sibling rivalry, it is what it is - dad doesn't like me best.
And it's just going to have to suck like that. I can only presume that I'm someone that not everyone wants to train with. It's cool, there's a few I actively avoid too, but that's generally because I get hurt every single time I interact with them. I have enough setbacks as is with my work schedule interrupting what training I get. I'm certainly not in a place where I can risk further down time due to injury.
Which, you know, whatever. I try and make do with what resources I have - a wealth of instructionals and occasional access to a very few teammates who will watch and drill with me. It's all I get right now - 1-3 mornings of an hour or so drilling sometimes just one move, sometimes a few.
I have pursued this as I have noted that just doing a move a few rushed times in a class doesn't set it for me. I'm assuming that I need more reps. More successful reps. I need to see the move work. How it works. How it fails. I've had enough years of well, let's get maybe a rep or two in, then live roll and it fails so fuck that move, it sucks/doesn't work.
So I'm also fighting the uphill battle of reversing years of negative perceptions on moves I'm relearning and retooling. And that, believe me, is a bitch.
I've been working a ton on part of Andre Galvao's first disc on his Favorite Moves series (I think that's the name? Too lazy to go look), which focuses on the lotus flower sweep and the rolling kimura. I actually managed to effectively execute the transition from the kimura to the bellydown armbar yesterday - WITHOUT REALLY THINKING AT ALL ABOUT DOING IT.
This is huge. And I'm hoping it's also evidence that I'm on the right path. I was pulling my opponent up into the first position and spinning around to sit on his head, gathering the arm, sliding my arms through into the kimura position - all of this was accomplished before my brain even actively said "Oh hey - go for that kimura move you've been working on"
If I can just keep making things flow like that. Man, it'll be sweet.
I had a lot of frustrations with how the day went. I didn't get to train at all with my instructor, again, because the competing members were allotted the priority. That really bummed me out, being that my work schedule keeps me from getting any time with the instructor as is. But it's not new. And while it smacks of sibling rivalry, it is what it is - dad doesn't like me best.
And it's just going to have to suck like that. I can only presume that I'm someone that not everyone wants to train with. It's cool, there's a few I actively avoid too, but that's generally because I get hurt every single time I interact with them. I have enough setbacks as is with my work schedule interrupting what training I get. I'm certainly not in a place where I can risk further down time due to injury.
Which, you know, whatever. I try and make do with what resources I have - a wealth of instructionals and occasional access to a very few teammates who will watch and drill with me. It's all I get right now - 1-3 mornings of an hour or so drilling sometimes just one move, sometimes a few.
I have pursued this as I have noted that just doing a move a few rushed times in a class doesn't set it for me. I'm assuming that I need more reps. More successful reps. I need to see the move work. How it works. How it fails. I've had enough years of well, let's get maybe a rep or two in, then live roll and it fails so fuck that move, it sucks/doesn't work.
So I'm also fighting the uphill battle of reversing years of negative perceptions on moves I'm relearning and retooling. And that, believe me, is a bitch.
I've been working a ton on part of Andre Galvao's first disc on his Favorite Moves series (I think that's the name? Too lazy to go look), which focuses on the lotus flower sweep and the rolling kimura. I actually managed to effectively execute the transition from the kimura to the bellydown armbar yesterday - WITHOUT REALLY THINKING AT ALL ABOUT DOING IT.
This is huge. And I'm hoping it's also evidence that I'm on the right path. I was pulling my opponent up into the first position and spinning around to sit on his head, gathering the arm, sliding my arms through into the kimura position - all of this was accomplished before my brain even actively said "Oh hey - go for that kimura move you've been working on"
If I can just keep making things flow like that. Man, it'll be sweet.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
still making lemonade
It's rare that I have time to blog lately. Nutshell version: lots of health problems in my family, and most of my spare time has been spent going to various hospitals and inpatient care centers. I am hopeful and mostly sure things will eventually be okay, but it's been rough.
At least I have a decent habit going for getting lots of drilling done a few mornings a week. It's been really nice to be able to take my sweet time analyzing a move, repeating it a lot (but probably still not as much as I need to or should), and then marinating in it and figuring out what the next move may be (or may not be) creatively, rather than being spoon fed some variant. Letting me decide what I'd naturally do next.
I'd like to think that would be a better way to learn and develop my game. I hope so, as it's all I have available to me presently.
But let's focus on what I have, not what I lack. I've been working on a dvd series from Andre Galvao involving the flower sweep (which has never been a go-to sweep for me in its previous incarnations) and what he called the rolling kimura series. I'm liking both a lot.
I still struggle with what I call the "loading phase" of the flower sweep, but it's coming around. This particular version doesn't rely on generating the momentum by making huge circles with your free leg, which always seemed both ineffective for me, as well as being a big honking telegraph as to what you intended to do. Of course, when you're only waving a short, stocky leg around, there's only so much momentum that is being generated, I suppose.
I'm still playing around with just precisely how much of the opponent's weight I'm supposed to hoist onto myself, and at what angle. (Recent findings are "not this much" and "not this angle")
The rolling kimura is a bit of a revisit for me - I used to love this sort of thing early in my study. I'm trying to remain mindful of not doing it "the old way" and losing critical tiny details. I also am trying to remain open-minded with all of the options from the core position, even though I'm struggling with a few of them - namely the chokes. Damned T Rex arms...
It's okay. It'll come around. I just have to keep working the angles. Fortunately for me, at least I have a few folks who are willing to work with me on that. It's a welcome change to the rather annoying trend of selfishness that I've been noticing when training in a larger class. I don't miss that part of regular class.
That also feeds into the relentless whining for rank that I'm equally disenchanted with, especially when I manage to get tangled up in it. When I am drilling, learning, and working on jiu jitsu, I could give a shit about my rank. I'd do well to preserve that mindset, rather than lowering myself to the childish concerns of rank. I don't dream at night of stripes, I dream of progressions.
However, that said... I think I'm henceforth distancing myself from overextending myself to those who don't return the favor. I'm getting more selfish as well, in this respect. People taking extensive advantage of my generosity has been enough of a distraction and disappointment. I can't convince people to act more honorably, but I can control my exposure to it.
At least I have a decent habit going for getting lots of drilling done a few mornings a week. It's been really nice to be able to take my sweet time analyzing a move, repeating it a lot (but probably still not as much as I need to or should), and then marinating in it and figuring out what the next move may be (or may not be) creatively, rather than being spoon fed some variant. Letting me decide what I'd naturally do next.
I'd like to think that would be a better way to learn and develop my game. I hope so, as it's all I have available to me presently.
But let's focus on what I have, not what I lack. I've been working on a dvd series from Andre Galvao involving the flower sweep (which has never been a go-to sweep for me in its previous incarnations) and what he called the rolling kimura series. I'm liking both a lot.
I still struggle with what I call the "loading phase" of the flower sweep, but it's coming around. This particular version doesn't rely on generating the momentum by making huge circles with your free leg, which always seemed both ineffective for me, as well as being a big honking telegraph as to what you intended to do. Of course, when you're only waving a short, stocky leg around, there's only so much momentum that is being generated, I suppose.
I'm still playing around with just precisely how much of the opponent's weight I'm supposed to hoist onto myself, and at what angle. (Recent findings are "not this much" and "not this angle")
The rolling kimura is a bit of a revisit for me - I used to love this sort of thing early in my study. I'm trying to remain mindful of not doing it "the old way" and losing critical tiny details. I also am trying to remain open-minded with all of the options from the core position, even though I'm struggling with a few of them - namely the chokes. Damned T Rex arms...
It's okay. It'll come around. I just have to keep working the angles. Fortunately for me, at least I have a few folks who are willing to work with me on that. It's a welcome change to the rather annoying trend of selfishness that I've been noticing when training in a larger class. I don't miss that part of regular class.
That also feeds into the relentless whining for rank that I'm equally disenchanted with, especially when I manage to get tangled up in it. When I am drilling, learning, and working on jiu jitsu, I could give a shit about my rank. I'd do well to preserve that mindset, rather than lowering myself to the childish concerns of rank. I don't dream at night of stripes, I dream of progressions.
However, that said... I think I'm henceforth distancing myself from overextending myself to those who don't return the favor. I'm getting more selfish as well, in this respect. People taking extensive advantage of my generosity has been enough of a distraction and disappointment. I can't convince people to act more honorably, but I can control my exposure to it.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
go figure
hurt my hand doing jiu jitsu, but doing light jiu jitsu seems to be making it better.
ha.
works for me.
continuing to work on the vast scope of the last seminar's material. having to put a little bit of blinders on, as I'm finding that I'm mixing up my x-guard and deep half entries and options. Trying to process too many, mentally, at once. Really wish I had some means of improving my learning and retention, but I'm going to assume for now that, much like anything else, it's just going to require more reps. Reps until I'm bored to tears with it.
I've continued using my grippers and the counter-exercise - basically a series of thicker rubber bands used for resistance as I open my hands. Day by day, My thumb gets a little better - more range of motion, less aches and pains. It's still a bit swollen, but it'll break free over time.
I still haven't made it back to crossfit, but it's on the list of "to-do" things. In the meantime, I've been swinging my kettlebell around the apartment some. Actually went and picked up a new one yesterday since my old ones were pitifully light. Ha, I remember when that 18 lb. one was my "stout" one. Now it's the equivalent of the pink dumbbells.
Last week was a mess with trying to keep up with family medical issues and work and dodging the flu, so hopefully this week coming up will be more productive. I'm starting to reconsider taking the later shift of 1-9 since there's little difference b/t it and 12-8 in terms of suckage. I have yet to find the inclination to go to Nautilus after work at 8:00 - hard enough to get to sleep as is. I don't know though. Hate to saddle myself up to that and get stuck.
Today, aiming for a long chilly walk and then trying a new kettlebell series. Then it's off to Huntington and back.
ha.
works for me.
continuing to work on the vast scope of the last seminar's material. having to put a little bit of blinders on, as I'm finding that I'm mixing up my x-guard and deep half entries and options. Trying to process too many, mentally, at once. Really wish I had some means of improving my learning and retention, but I'm going to assume for now that, much like anything else, it's just going to require more reps. Reps until I'm bored to tears with it.
I've continued using my grippers and the counter-exercise - basically a series of thicker rubber bands used for resistance as I open my hands. Day by day, My thumb gets a little better - more range of motion, less aches and pains. It's still a bit swollen, but it'll break free over time.
I still haven't made it back to crossfit, but it's on the list of "to-do" things. In the meantime, I've been swinging my kettlebell around the apartment some. Actually went and picked up a new one yesterday since my old ones were pitifully light. Ha, I remember when that 18 lb. one was my "stout" one. Now it's the equivalent of the pink dumbbells.
Last week was a mess with trying to keep up with family medical issues and work and dodging the flu, so hopefully this week coming up will be more productive. I'm starting to reconsider taking the later shift of 1-9 since there's little difference b/t it and 12-8 in terms of suckage. I have yet to find the inclination to go to Nautilus after work at 8:00 - hard enough to get to sleep as is. I don't know though. Hate to saddle myself up to that and get stuck.
Today, aiming for a long chilly walk and then trying a new kettlebell series. Then it's off to Huntington and back.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
that doesn't look good.
got my thumb bent backwards yesterday. Iced it, immobilized it... this morning it's swollen and not so much fun to move about. I don't want to fool with it, but I guess I'll go to doc-in-a-box to check on it. Although I have a feeling it'll be "well, just ice it and immobilize it" and a copay.
dammit.
edit, later on, back at the ranch...
Well I sat at the doc in a box for like an hour, probably caught three colds, and (wait for it, wait for it) bailed before I was ever so much as called in to take my blood pressure and other stats. Weaksauce. I sat in the waiting room and after texting back and forth with my instructor, concluded that I was wasting my time and money.
so I left.
And here we are a few days removed. Still a bit swollen. Still stiff and un-fun to move, but less so on all of those factors.
I'll behave myself a few more days, but hope to get some training in this weekend, if only at a reduced capacity. Probably just as well to try and use this week adapting to my new schedule. And making things work there re: sleeping, eating, and the like.
I've already determined that working out after work is not ideal. I get too keyed up and don't sleep for shit. And that's fine. I may switch to 1-9 instead if that's the case. I don't mind working out in the mornings. Just have to get used to it. Been running sprint intervals on my treadmill, which isn't bad. I'm rather surprised that it isn't harder than it is. But I'll find ways to make that suck in due time.
I am bummed about the timing of this injury. I really wanted to return to crossfit this week. Just not smart with a bum paw. Maybe next week. Might ask in advance if it's advisable/scalable or not.
dammit.
edit, later on, back at the ranch...
Well I sat at the doc in a box for like an hour, probably caught three colds, and (wait for it, wait for it) bailed before I was ever so much as called in to take my blood pressure and other stats. Weaksauce. I sat in the waiting room and after texting back and forth with my instructor, concluded that I was wasting my time and money.
so I left.
And here we are a few days removed. Still a bit swollen. Still stiff and un-fun to move, but less so on all of those factors.
I'll behave myself a few more days, but hope to get some training in this weekend, if only at a reduced capacity. Probably just as well to try and use this week adapting to my new schedule. And making things work there re: sleeping, eating, and the like.
I've already determined that working out after work is not ideal. I get too keyed up and don't sleep for shit. And that's fine. I may switch to 1-9 instead if that's the case. I don't mind working out in the mornings. Just have to get used to it. Been running sprint intervals on my treadmill, which isn't bad. I'm rather surprised that it isn't harder than it is. But I'll find ways to make that suck in due time.
I am bummed about the timing of this injury. I really wanted to return to crossfit this week. Just not smart with a bum paw. Maybe next week. Might ask in advance if it's advisable/scalable or not.
Friday, December 14, 2012
and once again, work schedule by armbar.
Son of a bitch.
So I'm finishing up chiro on my shoulder, which had okayish results (meaning I'm still a bit apprehensive about it)... Been back to lifting at the regular gym (which I still am not loving, but it'll come back around)... Summoning the balls to go back to crossfit as well. And I should be able to return to jiu jitsu in the coming days
WRONGOLA.
Getting kicked back to night shift again. I am enraged and sad.
I still have no idea what's gonna happen. While I've sent out multiple pleas for options to train, I've not really heard back from anyone with any sort of solid, reliable response. I could take 1-9pm shift and maybe get in an hour or so of morning class, but that would make it unlikely that I could swim or lift after work. 12-8pm at least gives me the flexibility to do those activities, but would knock morning class out of contention. That would leave me at the mercy of when/if I could get folks to come in earlier in the morning and on weekends.
Not really ideal solutions.
I'm also strongly considering switching departments at work. That would mean losing my weekends. I'd have to work saturday and/or sunday. Doing that, I'd lose one or both of the more flexible days, with regards to open mat training days. It'd also mean a different set of criteria to deal with in actual job performance.
Le sigh. I don't like any of these options.
But all of them are temporary. At least there's that.
So I'm finishing up chiro on my shoulder, which had okayish results (meaning I'm still a bit apprehensive about it)... Been back to lifting at the regular gym (which I still am not loving, but it'll come back around)... Summoning the balls to go back to crossfit as well. And I should be able to return to jiu jitsu in the coming days
WRONGOLA.
Getting kicked back to night shift again. I am enraged and sad.
I still have no idea what's gonna happen. While I've sent out multiple pleas for options to train, I've not really heard back from anyone with any sort of solid, reliable response. I could take 1-9pm shift and maybe get in an hour or so of morning class, but that would make it unlikely that I could swim or lift after work. 12-8pm at least gives me the flexibility to do those activities, but would knock morning class out of contention. That would leave me at the mercy of when/if I could get folks to come in earlier in the morning and on weekends.
Not really ideal solutions.
I'm also strongly considering switching departments at work. That would mean losing my weekends. I'd have to work saturday and/or sunday. Doing that, I'd lose one or both of the more flexible days, with regards to open mat training days. It'd also mean a different set of criteria to deal with in actual job performance.
Le sigh. I don't like any of these options.
But all of them are temporary. At least there's that.
Friday, December 7, 2012
another motivator
As I continue my path towards getting smaller, I've found a really cool motivator: eventually, some of my gis are going to be too big for me. I've decided to allow an old friend to inherit them as that happens.
I'm not talking junk gis, these are nice Shoyorolls and likely an Origin, too.
But giving them to an old friend who has been so instrumental in my early development in bjj, who first exposed me to open guards, and who often serves as a listening board for my various grappling gripes, is a nice external motivator.
Still making small changes to diet and habits there, too early for much results, but on the right path. Feeling better, sleeping better, and much more like myself (read: mischievous and giggling).
I'm on the "descending" path of treatment with chiro for my shoulder, so I'm hoping I'll be able to return to normal activities soon. I'm hoping to get some mat time in this weekend if it will cooperate.
If not, well I'll just settle for some pool time and maybe a little barbell work.
Oh, who am I kidding? I won't settle.
I'm also acutely annoyed that I failed to acquire a GUMA membership from today's limited drive today from shoyoroll. But I'm also done with stressing over their releases, in general. If I get a gi, fine. If I miss out on their insane presales, so be it. It isn't worth the annoyance, and today's exercise only reminded me of it. I mean, really? Sold out in 3 minutes? Extra Virgin Pure Horseshit.
(That said, I would probably justify knocking someone over the head with a tire iron to gank a Ring model gi in my size, or even in a nearby size)
And while I have NOT been enthused that I had to shell out maxibucks for a new tv this week (the not-really-old-but-out-of-warranty one died), I AM excited to watch the 2012 Pans on it this weekend. And that new arm triangle set. And if Emily's new nogi set shows up in the mail, that too. You know, with all of my raging free time.
Damn straight I just tracked that shipment again.
I'm not talking junk gis, these are nice Shoyorolls and likely an Origin, too.
But giving them to an old friend who has been so instrumental in my early development in bjj, who first exposed me to open guards, and who often serves as a listening board for my various grappling gripes, is a nice external motivator.
Still making small changes to diet and habits there, too early for much results, but on the right path. Feeling better, sleeping better, and much more like myself (read: mischievous and giggling).
I'm on the "descending" path of treatment with chiro for my shoulder, so I'm hoping I'll be able to return to normal activities soon. I'm hoping to get some mat time in this weekend if it will cooperate.
If not, well I'll just settle for some pool time and maybe a little barbell work.
Oh, who am I kidding? I won't settle.
I'm also acutely annoyed that I failed to acquire a GUMA membership from today's limited drive today from shoyoroll. But I'm also done with stressing over their releases, in general. If I get a gi, fine. If I miss out on their insane presales, so be it. It isn't worth the annoyance, and today's exercise only reminded me of it. I mean, really? Sold out in 3 minutes? Extra Virgin Pure Horseshit.
(That said, I would probably justify knocking someone over the head with a tire iron to gank a Ring model gi in my size, or even in a nearby size)
And while I have NOT been enthused that I had to shell out maxibucks for a new tv this week (the not-really-old-but-out-of-warranty one died), I AM excited to watch the 2012 Pans on it this weekend. And that new arm triangle set. And if Emily's new nogi set shows up in the mail, that too. You know, with all of my raging free time.
Damn straight I just tracked that shipment again.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
information overload.
So it is my intention to lift some today.
And I have no freaking idea where to start. Whatever the lift programming equivalent of writer's block is, that would be what I'm experiencing.
The hilarity of this is that for years, decades even, I carefully researched and wrote up my own lifting schedules with relative ease. It was almost autoprogrammed. An afterthought.
But now, after having turned the reigns over to crossfit for almost 2 years (to admittedly shameful consistency), I find myself unable to program. I've gotten so used to just showing up and being told what to do that I apparently now need spoonfed. How embarrassing.
While I've pretty much, at this point, just resolved to spend a few weeks doing the "Couture barbell series" just to get back into the swing of things, I just felt compelled to remark upon the vast wealth of resources out there...
how to lift. how to eat. how to do jiu jitsu. how to sort your socks.
anything and everything is there.
AND NONE OF IT FREAKING AGREES.
I guess it's pretty wishful thinking to assume any given process has one, and only one right way, but sheesh. It makes it hard for someone who likes to absolutely immerse in a topic before making a decision do just that - make a decision.
The little scientist in me wants research and facts and theories proven. And yet what I'm finding is that much like the magical spreadsheet land of most places I have worked, the science can be skewed to support or unravel any given process.
Dammit.
So, I guess I'm just going to throw a few hypotheses of my own out there, and see which ones survive. I'm basing my decision to add supplemental lifting based on the fact that I felt and looked better back when I was putting in that extra lifting time. We'll see if I can still manage to hit up bjj and crossfit with regularity. Those take precedence.
While I would prefer having a nice, plotted out list of exercises, the barbell circuit is as good as anything else to re-acquaint myself. And by hogging a barbell for that long, it invariably pisses off the "I'm here to do bicep curls" crowd, which just makes me smile typing it. Asshats.
Anyhow, let's go to it, and let's get some swimming in, too.
Shoulder is responding well to chiro thus far... let's see if it can hack this.
AND ASIDE: holy flaming shitballs. There's a NOGI version of Emily Kwok's instructional coming out soon. Damn straight I preordered that noise the second I read about it. SQUEEEE!!!!!
***later update: this was all apparently a not-so-great idea. Shoulder hosed up mid-evening. Meh.
And I have no freaking idea where to start. Whatever the lift programming equivalent of writer's block is, that would be what I'm experiencing.
The hilarity of this is that for years, decades even, I carefully researched and wrote up my own lifting schedules with relative ease. It was almost autoprogrammed. An afterthought.
But now, after having turned the reigns over to crossfit for almost 2 years (to admittedly shameful consistency), I find myself unable to program. I've gotten so used to just showing up and being told what to do that I apparently now need spoonfed. How embarrassing.
While I've pretty much, at this point, just resolved to spend a few weeks doing the "Couture barbell series" just to get back into the swing of things, I just felt compelled to remark upon the vast wealth of resources out there...
how to lift. how to eat. how to do jiu jitsu. how to sort your socks.
anything and everything is there.
AND NONE OF IT FREAKING AGREES.
I guess it's pretty wishful thinking to assume any given process has one, and only one right way, but sheesh. It makes it hard for someone who likes to absolutely immerse in a topic before making a decision do just that - make a decision.
The little scientist in me wants research and facts and theories proven. And yet what I'm finding is that much like the magical spreadsheet land of most places I have worked, the science can be skewed to support or unravel any given process.
Dammit.
So, I guess I'm just going to throw a few hypotheses of my own out there, and see which ones survive. I'm basing my decision to add supplemental lifting based on the fact that I felt and looked better back when I was putting in that extra lifting time. We'll see if I can still manage to hit up bjj and crossfit with regularity. Those take precedence.
While I would prefer having a nice, plotted out list of exercises, the barbell circuit is as good as anything else to re-acquaint myself. And by hogging a barbell for that long, it invariably pisses off the "I'm here to do bicep curls" crowd, which just makes me smile typing it. Asshats.
Anyhow, let's go to it, and let's get some swimming in, too.
Shoulder is responding well to chiro thus far... let's see if it can hack this.
AND ASIDE: holy flaming shitballs. There's a NOGI version of Emily Kwok's instructional coming out soon. Damn straight I preordered that noise the second I read about it. SQUEEEE!!!!!
***later update: this was all apparently a not-so-great idea. Shoulder hosed up mid-evening. Meh.
Friday, November 30, 2012
plotting and scheming on mah health
Made what was hopefully a first intelligent step towards getting my shit back together - went to my chiro yesterday to figure what the sam hell my shoulder keeps doing. Got jammed, poked, prodded, and bent about (which will be repeated basically every other day through this coming week, starting tomorrow) and told no apparent tears, dislocations, or arthritis.
[this was immediately science failed by my instructor, who reminded me that xrays don't really show all of that... shit.]
I'll stick with the chiro, as it's never failed me before, but with a typically open/questioning mind. If it isn't working, I'll get a referral for physical therapy perhaps.
What sucks was the marching orders to "use the arm and shoulder, but don't challenge it" - WTFF. Do these people not know me yet?!
This really puts a turd in the punchbowl. I had plans, such plans, to plunge back into crossfit, lifting, swimming, grappling (ALL THE THINGS!!!!!) with a renewed splendor. Guess that's going to get scaled down to size a bit. But that's probably a good thing, given my penchant for red-lining things.
Upon waking today, I was really just feeling the idea of adding back in supplemental lifting. I was in better shape when I was lifting more (meaning more than I do for crossfit, when I go regularly, that is), or at least I felt that way. So, I'm thinking I'll just add some leg work, some back work, core/rotational work, whatever seems fitting on the days I'm going swimming.
Or just lift from the garage. It's really whichever.
think I'll take an old lifting book with me to the woods today and see what plans I can't scratch out. if nothing else, hunting season is allowing me to catch up on some reading. great. pfft.
and also, damn, what the crap did they do to me? sore as hell from the chiro appt.
[this was immediately science failed by my instructor, who reminded me that xrays don't really show all of that... shit.]
I'll stick with the chiro, as it's never failed me before, but with a typically open/questioning mind. If it isn't working, I'll get a referral for physical therapy perhaps.
What sucks was the marching orders to "use the arm and shoulder, but don't challenge it" - WTFF. Do these people not know me yet?!
This really puts a turd in the punchbowl. I had plans, such plans, to plunge back into crossfit, lifting, swimming, grappling (ALL THE THINGS!!!!!) with a renewed splendor. Guess that's going to get scaled down to size a bit. But that's probably a good thing, given my penchant for red-lining things.
Upon waking today, I was really just feeling the idea of adding back in supplemental lifting. I was in better shape when I was lifting more (meaning more than I do for crossfit, when I go regularly, that is), or at least I felt that way. So, I'm thinking I'll just add some leg work, some back work, core/rotational work, whatever seems fitting on the days I'm going swimming.
Or just lift from the garage. It's really whichever.
think I'll take an old lifting book with me to the woods today and see what plans I can't scratch out. if nothing else, hunting season is allowing me to catch up on some reading. great. pfft.
and also, damn, what the crap did they do to me? sore as hell from the chiro appt.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
there are few certainties in life...
however, one of those is this: Women's Grappling Camp always freaking rocks. Always. Irrefutably. I had to fight the urge to flick a lighter in the air pretty much the whole time. The sole drawback being that it's a camp. A short burst of excellence that acts as a much-needed springboard to better things and progress...
It's always that. Always.
It was such a real, real pleasure to be able to train in that setting, at a reasonable pace, with reasonable partners, from folks with faded black belts to white belts with only months of experience. The sense of community, of tribe, was also nice. I do hope that the founders and participants realize what value there is just in the culture they've created and fostered. I sometimes wonder if ladies who are fortunate enough to have schools with many, or even a few, other ladies to train with take it for granted.
[None of this I say in de-valuing my perfectly suitable male training partners, to be clear. I adore my mat brothers.]
Or maybe it isn't even a gender-based thing. Maybe it was just a matter of being able to train with people who were not remotely concerned with keeping score. Who were just as interested in you learning the move as they themselves learned it. Who would drill the bejeezus out of something until it worked. Who gave you their best without feeling the need to mash your whole life into the mats and then eat your soul and then post pictures about it on facebook.
Flow rolling = jiu jitsu crack.
It goes without saying it was amazing to train with so many champions. And I say that of all belt levels present. Everyone I met (and re-met) were class act individuals. I was already familiar with the excellent sort of environment that Emily and Val present at these camps, as well as the considerable heft of their own individual contributions. I consider both to be obscenely great resources and ambassadors to grappling, and not solely to women in the sport. I am extremely grateful that they continue to hold these camps. They already give so much through their writings, interviews, instructionals... it's nice to have access to those things as well, but I really cannot type enough about what fantastic hosts and people they are.
And speaking of hosts, Jen from 50/50 made all felt as though they were in their own home gym. After the hours I've spent studying videos from this team, it was really cool to see how people who get to have that sort of instruction all of the time roll. Jen made me feel like I was moving in even slower motion than I normally move in, and it was freaking awesome. And the ladies she teaches were also so adept. Must be one helluva program...
It's always cool when you meet someone and they are "as advertised"... I'd long ago been told what a cool person Lola (who also helps organize the camps) was, and how I need need NEEDED to meet her. Yep, Chrissy, you were exactly right. I especially appreciated her correctly reading that even while sitting on the injured list, I was absolutely dying to at least try some of what I was watching. Then again, I'm not sure I wasn't drooling at the mention of "takedown"... it may've been a lot more obvious than I thought...
It was great to see familiar faces, and to meet new folks with just as much interest in grappling (and warped senses of humor). Again, when you occasionally feel like Tom Hanks' character in "Cast Away", it is profoundly valuable to have that sort of easy, quick connection. Which was one of many epiphanies from my trip: I feel very disconnected in my life right now. Isolated, by choice. Life circumstances have left me walled up in defensive hermit mode, with good reasons.
I talk to people 8 hours a day as my job. It tends to be exhausting, all of that fluff interaction. My ears are wore out and dulled to human interaction. I am tired of people's bullshit and excuses and general "not-on-point"edness to the point I just isolate. But I'm also still carrying around the weight of recent familial FUBARs. Which is okay. It IS a lot to deal with. I've just been denying it and short-changing the gravity of it all for months. It isn't light. It isn't small stuff. And it's okay that it's crushing. Well, not "okay" but more like "hey, hoss, this right here is some serious shit you're dealing with, so don't feel bad it jacks up your swagger...."
And it has. Denial is a bitch, and she came to camp with me. She hogged the TV remote, used up all the towels in the hotel, didn't flush the toilet, and ran up a huge room service bill, too.
The first epiphany happened once I checked in to my room at the hotel. My shoulder decided to jack up again, and all I could think was "Oh no. Not now. I can't miss this training! Heal, you sombitch, heal overnight!" Then I walked through the short hallway to finish unpacking.
Hotels have brutally cruel mirrors in them. My own home has one: a too-tall-for-me bathroom mirror in which I can see if my shoulders are sunburned and if there's anything stuck in my teeth. That's about it. It certainly didn't let me see what a horrific state of disrepair and neglect I am in. Whenever I get a house (which should be soon), I'm putting full length mirrors everywhere. I'll never again let myself be so blindsided by my own reflection. I stared, slack-jawed, at my own image. What in the hell happened? No wonder I've been feeling like crap, getting hurt and/or sick all of the time! Look at me! I'm shamefully out of shape. I was genuinely in shock, to the point I felt compelled to spend the night (and quite possibly every spare waking moment) on the hotel treadmill. Holy shit. I am in trouble. This has to stop! It has to change! Commence freakout.
I honestly had no idea in this world. What a kick in the teeth.
Epiphany #2 (in a series, collect them all): that I am so out of shape is what is holding my jiu jitsu back. I am no longer able to compensate with strength - I will sadly admit that I am not as strong as I used to be. And my game suffers on both counts. I know that a strength-based game is far from ideal, even if I were in decent shape. But I'm in no shape to execute a speed-based game. Which is why that is also failing for me. I'd call this a crossroads, but it really isn't. If there were such thing as a cross-dead-ends, this would be it. No wonder nothing is working. No wonder I'm frustrated all the time by trying this move, now try this one, oh wait here's another move.
#3: the moves work just fine. It's me that isn't working.
I have been studying a host of instructionals and putting in research and work and reps on stuff and just not seeing a return on the mats. Emily's set being chief among them. I can see how and why what she's showing works. I saw it work for her and many others in camp. I saw myself easily handled by much smaller ladies effectively utilizing moves that we'd just been shown, moves from various sources... My own execution, however, was suspect. It wasn't completely abysmal, I did okay in some instances, and better in a lot of other instances. It was nice to see some things I've worked on prove effective. Especially the wrestling, since I've devoted a lot of time and money to it.
Sidebar, or #3A: I need to find some way to improve my learning process. I'm not really sure what my learning style is, but it apparently is not what I've been doing in regular classes. At this camp, it was much, much more in tune with what I may need, since retention was much better than what I normally experience. I'm inclined to figure that much of that is due to ample reps and cooperative partners. What may also be at play was the non-rushed environment, the generally supportive air, consistent and frequent feedback. It may've been that I got to spend dedicated, focused, non-interrupted time on the moves. I'm not yet sure.
We worked gi all day the first day. First half of the day: standing guard passes of the non-smash variety (yay! new options!). Quickly, I realized that I reeeeeally need to develop at least a little level of comfort with knee on belly. I need to get over the thought of it being "mean" or a "bully move" (even if that is largely how I see it used at home). It is legit, and it's probably something I'd be adept at, given my preferences for a more mobile mount style.
Aside: I haven't mentioned that, from a BJJ fangirl standpoint, it was almost distracting the level of the participants and instructors at this camp. So many times, I found myself thinking "holy freaking shit - she did the PanAms, or ADCC, etc." and not just get completely lost in that. How huge it was. And yet all of them humble as could be... Class. Pure class.
Second half of the day I was elated to see some options from spider guard. When I first started being introduced to open guard, I was a big fan of spider guard. It faded over time, as it just wasn't a preferred style for as many (or any) people I trained with. That my brain wouldn't process options from there didn't help its proliferation or survival. I was especially pleased to see a simple triangle set up that was working even for my short nubs.
Unfortunately for me and my dumb ass, we also worked on some footlocks. PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Okay people, we've all heard this a zillion times, but I had to go and prove it - when training footlocks, do NOT NOT NOT wait for it to hurt to tap. Tap your partner, not the nearby ground (where 30 or so other folks are ALSO training footlocks and tapping). And be mindful of tweaking (or suggesting tweaks) a move when it's nearly fully executed.
I can only presume that this is what caused my ankle to, later that evening, hurt like a mofo. Couldn't rotate it, couldn't put pressure on it, just BLAM out of nowhere it was hurting. Driving home on it was such a pleasure. NOT.
#4 wake up call: I'm collecting injuries like they're scratch & sniff stickers or something. And colds. Just weeks before camp it was walking pneumonia. Then my shoulder. Now this. What the crap? Was 38 another milestone age where everything just gives out? I knew better, but just in case I didn't...
#4 came with a side order of a gentle HTFU (very loosely translated) from Val, whose opinions and advice I always listen to without question (which says something, as I generally question the living crap out of everything and everyone). Val pointed out I'm a couple of years behind her, and she is far from falling apart. And I know she's right. It isn't my age. It is, however, the state of neglect I find myself in. I am reaping what I have sown. Or failed to plant. Or whatever.
How embarrassing. To be so feeble. To break so easily. I really didn't even want to open my mouth any more, because I was just having to vomit excuses left and right. To have to ride the sidelines for the nogi session the next day and struggle through the first half of the day. And it's all my own damned fault.
#5 - in catching up with so many folks I'd met at the last camp I'd gone to, I also noticed that my own trajectory was sorely below the average of the others. I realize we're all on our own path, and we each have our own detours... but I've clearly had way more than I ever should've accepted. And it's something my own instructor has told me: "Jiu Jitsu isn't hard, it's all the bullshit that gets in the way of you doing it that sucks..."
Forced realizations are good things. And I had a host of them over the course of that weekend. A lot of things I'd suspected or wondered about, others I was completely oblivious to. The reality is my situation is now serious. Not insurmountable, but serious. I have to deal with the neglect of my physicality as well as my spirit. The world deserves a better me than I have been giving it for some time now. It all kinda hit home about 2 hours into my drive home, and I stewed on it until I had to pull off the road shortly after crossing back into WV.
I've had some really heavy shit on my shoulders for a long time now. And it has left me numb and unresponsive for a long time. I thought I was dealing with it as best I could, but I wasn't dealing with it at all. Just carrying it. As I retracted and played defense in life, I just shriveled and weakened. I put on a lot of weight. I lost a lot of strength and lungs and will. I've not been myself for ages. I've been me running on an old 9V battery that barely zaps one's tongue. I haven't had the energy for doing much else because I'm buried under too much bullshit. And it's affected everything - my health, my relationships, my jiu jitsu...
But it's okay. My eyes are open now. I'm awake. It all stops now. The climb out of it all begins now. I went to camp and would've been happy with just learning those passes, spider guard options, and the other things. Or with seeing old friends and making new friends. Or with the ridiculously cool opportunity to train with Hannette, Michelle, and Sakaya. Any of those were worth the hours of driving and cash. Instead, I got all of those things, and more.
And I am totally going to start using spider guard again.
It's always that. Always.
It was such a real, real pleasure to be able to train in that setting, at a reasonable pace, with reasonable partners, from folks with faded black belts to white belts with only months of experience. The sense of community, of tribe, was also nice. I do hope that the founders and participants realize what value there is just in the culture they've created and fostered. I sometimes wonder if ladies who are fortunate enough to have schools with many, or even a few, other ladies to train with take it for granted.
[None of this I say in de-valuing my perfectly suitable male training partners, to be clear. I adore my mat brothers.]
Or maybe it isn't even a gender-based thing. Maybe it was just a matter of being able to train with people who were not remotely concerned with keeping score. Who were just as interested in you learning the move as they themselves learned it. Who would drill the bejeezus out of something until it worked. Who gave you their best without feeling the need to mash your whole life into the mats and then eat your soul and then post pictures about it on facebook.
Flow rolling = jiu jitsu crack.
It goes without saying it was amazing to train with so many champions. And I say that of all belt levels present. Everyone I met (and re-met) were class act individuals. I was already familiar with the excellent sort of environment that Emily and Val present at these camps, as well as the considerable heft of their own individual contributions. I consider both to be obscenely great resources and ambassadors to grappling, and not solely to women in the sport. I am extremely grateful that they continue to hold these camps. They already give so much through their writings, interviews, instructionals... it's nice to have access to those things as well, but I really cannot type enough about what fantastic hosts and people they are.
And speaking of hosts, Jen from 50/50 made all felt as though they were in their own home gym. After the hours I've spent studying videos from this team, it was really cool to see how people who get to have that sort of instruction all of the time roll. Jen made me feel like I was moving in even slower motion than I normally move in, and it was freaking awesome. And the ladies she teaches were also so adept. Must be one helluva program...
It's always cool when you meet someone and they are "as advertised"... I'd long ago been told what a cool person Lola (who also helps organize the camps) was, and how I need need NEEDED to meet her. Yep, Chrissy, you were exactly right. I especially appreciated her correctly reading that even while sitting on the injured list, I was absolutely dying to at least try some of what I was watching. Then again, I'm not sure I wasn't drooling at the mention of "takedown"... it may've been a lot more obvious than I thought...
It was great to see familiar faces, and to meet new folks with just as much interest in grappling (and warped senses of humor). Again, when you occasionally feel like Tom Hanks' character in "Cast Away", it is profoundly valuable to have that sort of easy, quick connection. Which was one of many epiphanies from my trip: I feel very disconnected in my life right now. Isolated, by choice. Life circumstances have left me walled up in defensive hermit mode, with good reasons.
I talk to people 8 hours a day as my job. It tends to be exhausting, all of that fluff interaction. My ears are wore out and dulled to human interaction. I am tired of people's bullshit and excuses and general "not-on-point"edness to the point I just isolate. But I'm also still carrying around the weight of recent familial FUBARs. Which is okay. It IS a lot to deal with. I've just been denying it and short-changing the gravity of it all for months. It isn't light. It isn't small stuff. And it's okay that it's crushing. Well, not "okay" but more like "hey, hoss, this right here is some serious shit you're dealing with, so don't feel bad it jacks up your swagger...."
And it has. Denial is a bitch, and she came to camp with me. She hogged the TV remote, used up all the towels in the hotel, didn't flush the toilet, and ran up a huge room service bill, too.
The first epiphany happened once I checked in to my room at the hotel. My shoulder decided to jack up again, and all I could think was "Oh no. Not now. I can't miss this training! Heal, you sombitch, heal overnight!" Then I walked through the short hallway to finish unpacking.
Hotels have brutally cruel mirrors in them. My own home has one: a too-tall-for-me bathroom mirror in which I can see if my shoulders are sunburned and if there's anything stuck in my teeth. That's about it. It certainly didn't let me see what a horrific state of disrepair and neglect I am in. Whenever I get a house (which should be soon), I'm putting full length mirrors everywhere. I'll never again let myself be so blindsided by my own reflection. I stared, slack-jawed, at my own image. What in the hell happened? No wonder I've been feeling like crap, getting hurt and/or sick all of the time! Look at me! I'm shamefully out of shape. I was genuinely in shock, to the point I felt compelled to spend the night (and quite possibly every spare waking moment) on the hotel treadmill. Holy shit. I am in trouble. This has to stop! It has to change! Commence freakout.
I honestly had no idea in this world. What a kick in the teeth.
Epiphany #2 (in a series, collect them all): that I am so out of shape is what is holding my jiu jitsu back. I am no longer able to compensate with strength - I will sadly admit that I am not as strong as I used to be. And my game suffers on both counts. I know that a strength-based game is far from ideal, even if I were in decent shape. But I'm in no shape to execute a speed-based game. Which is why that is also failing for me. I'd call this a crossroads, but it really isn't. If there were such thing as a cross-dead-ends, this would be it. No wonder nothing is working. No wonder I'm frustrated all the time by trying this move, now try this one, oh wait here's another move.
#3: the moves work just fine. It's me that isn't working.
I have been studying a host of instructionals and putting in research and work and reps on stuff and just not seeing a return on the mats. Emily's set being chief among them. I can see how and why what she's showing works. I saw it work for her and many others in camp. I saw myself easily handled by much smaller ladies effectively utilizing moves that we'd just been shown, moves from various sources... My own execution, however, was suspect. It wasn't completely abysmal, I did okay in some instances, and better in a lot of other instances. It was nice to see some things I've worked on prove effective. Especially the wrestling, since I've devoted a lot of time and money to it.
Sidebar, or #3A: I need to find some way to improve my learning process. I'm not really sure what my learning style is, but it apparently is not what I've been doing in regular classes. At this camp, it was much, much more in tune with what I may need, since retention was much better than what I normally experience. I'm inclined to figure that much of that is due to ample reps and cooperative partners. What may also be at play was the non-rushed environment, the generally supportive air, consistent and frequent feedback. It may've been that I got to spend dedicated, focused, non-interrupted time on the moves. I'm not yet sure.
We worked gi all day the first day. First half of the day: standing guard passes of the non-smash variety (yay! new options!). Quickly, I realized that I reeeeeally need to develop at least a little level of comfort with knee on belly. I need to get over the thought of it being "mean" or a "bully move" (even if that is largely how I see it used at home). It is legit, and it's probably something I'd be adept at, given my preferences for a more mobile mount style.
Aside: I haven't mentioned that, from a BJJ fangirl standpoint, it was almost distracting the level of the participants and instructors at this camp. So many times, I found myself thinking "holy freaking shit - she did the PanAms, or ADCC, etc." and not just get completely lost in that. How huge it was. And yet all of them humble as could be... Class. Pure class.
Second half of the day I was elated to see some options from spider guard. When I first started being introduced to open guard, I was a big fan of spider guard. It faded over time, as it just wasn't a preferred style for as many (or any) people I trained with. That my brain wouldn't process options from there didn't help its proliferation or survival. I was especially pleased to see a simple triangle set up that was working even for my short nubs.
Unfortunately for me and my dumb ass, we also worked on some footlocks. PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Okay people, we've all heard this a zillion times, but I had to go and prove it - when training footlocks, do NOT NOT NOT wait for it to hurt to tap. Tap your partner, not the nearby ground (where 30 or so other folks are ALSO training footlocks and tapping). And be mindful of tweaking (or suggesting tweaks) a move when it's nearly fully executed.
I can only presume that this is what caused my ankle to, later that evening, hurt like a mofo. Couldn't rotate it, couldn't put pressure on it, just BLAM out of nowhere it was hurting. Driving home on it was such a pleasure. NOT.
#4 wake up call: I'm collecting injuries like they're scratch & sniff stickers or something. And colds. Just weeks before camp it was walking pneumonia. Then my shoulder. Now this. What the crap? Was 38 another milestone age where everything just gives out? I knew better, but just in case I didn't...
#4 came with a side order of a gentle HTFU (very loosely translated) from Val, whose opinions and advice I always listen to without question (which says something, as I generally question the living crap out of everything and everyone). Val pointed out I'm a couple of years behind her, and she is far from falling apart. And I know she's right. It isn't my age. It is, however, the state of neglect I find myself in. I am reaping what I have sown. Or failed to plant. Or whatever.
How embarrassing. To be so feeble. To break so easily. I really didn't even want to open my mouth any more, because I was just having to vomit excuses left and right. To have to ride the sidelines for the nogi session the next day and struggle through the first half of the day. And it's all my own damned fault.
#5 - in catching up with so many folks I'd met at the last camp I'd gone to, I also noticed that my own trajectory was sorely below the average of the others. I realize we're all on our own path, and we each have our own detours... but I've clearly had way more than I ever should've accepted. And it's something my own instructor has told me: "Jiu Jitsu isn't hard, it's all the bullshit that gets in the way of you doing it that sucks..."
Forced realizations are good things. And I had a host of them over the course of that weekend. A lot of things I'd suspected or wondered about, others I was completely oblivious to. The reality is my situation is now serious. Not insurmountable, but serious. I have to deal with the neglect of my physicality as well as my spirit. The world deserves a better me than I have been giving it for some time now. It all kinda hit home about 2 hours into my drive home, and I stewed on it until I had to pull off the road shortly after crossing back into WV.
I've had some really heavy shit on my shoulders for a long time now. And it has left me numb and unresponsive for a long time. I thought I was dealing with it as best I could, but I wasn't dealing with it at all. Just carrying it. As I retracted and played defense in life, I just shriveled and weakened. I put on a lot of weight. I lost a lot of strength and lungs and will. I've not been myself for ages. I've been me running on an old 9V battery that barely zaps one's tongue. I haven't had the energy for doing much else because I'm buried under too much bullshit. And it's affected everything - my health, my relationships, my jiu jitsu...
But it's okay. My eyes are open now. I'm awake. It all stops now. The climb out of it all begins now. I went to camp and would've been happy with just learning those passes, spider guard options, and the other things. Or with seeing old friends and making new friends. Or with the ridiculously cool opportunity to train with Hannette, Michelle, and Sakaya. Any of those were worth the hours of driving and cash. Instead, I got all of those things, and more.
And I am totally going to start using spider guard again.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
pneumonia, my shoulders, and my AARP card
I'm not sure what karmic shitstorm I must've invoked, but my training has been derailed as though I should take a whole season off. Hardly what I had in mind...
I haven't decided if I simply work in a germ farm, or if I have the immune system of a disco coke whore from Studio 54 circa 1979. Regardless, I lost hundreds of dollars and weeks of training to what was dangerously close to pneumonia. I'm just starting to feel like myself again.
So now I start the process of starting over. At crossfit, at bjj, at everything. Annoying, but surmountable for certain.
Then I hurt my shoulder at wrestling practice. Couldn't lift my arm overhead. Couldn't shrug that side at all. Extremely scary and unlike anything I've ever experienced before. At least it didn't happen again since... just some random aching now and then.
Aging is kicking my ass hard lately. And I do not like it. And I cannot combat it the way I used to - with more reps, more effort, red-lining myself into being stronger. Those tactics now end up with me sick, hurt, or both. I have to get smarter about this.
More sleep, more water, better eats. Start there, then get on the dang mats.
I haven't decided if I simply work in a germ farm, or if I have the immune system of a disco coke whore from Studio 54 circa 1979. Regardless, I lost hundreds of dollars and weeks of training to what was dangerously close to pneumonia. I'm just starting to feel like myself again.
So now I start the process of starting over. At crossfit, at bjj, at everything. Annoying, but surmountable for certain.
Then I hurt my shoulder at wrestling practice. Couldn't lift my arm overhead. Couldn't shrug that side at all. Extremely scary and unlike anything I've ever experienced before. At least it didn't happen again since... just some random aching now and then.
Aging is kicking my ass hard lately. And I do not like it. And I cannot combat it the way I used to - with more reps, more effort, red-lining myself into being stronger. Those tactics now end up with me sick, hurt, or both. I have to get smarter about this.
More sleep, more water, better eats. Start there, then get on the dang mats.
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