more ramblings

more thoughts from camp--

I knew it before I even touched the mats when I got there. My jiu jitsu is horribly, horribly lopsided. I have no offense to speak of. I have long since grown accustomed to survival mode or defending to stalemates, or, more recently, getting caught midway through smash passing in a triangle or from said triangle into a nasty armbar (usually involving my already bad wrist).

This isn't uncommon, I found, as a few others mentioned the same affliction.

this is incredibly frustrating. My timing is non-existent, and I rarely see opportunities to attack. What attempts I do make are sloppy messes. Being told I have a good defense is of little consolation when the implication is: all someone has to do is quit attacking me, and I'll hand them something in the form of some half-hearted submission.

I hate being so predictable. But even since camp, I am realizing some serious ruts. Or a lack of branching out. Whichever way you want to look at it. I have gone from floundering in bottom side control to at least having the presence of mind to turn in and assume turtle, which is less miserable to be trapped in than side control, but once again: not really progress when it's just the next place I get stuck.

and I spend so much of my mat time just trapped in bottom side control. to the point it's making me bored -- a really rare sensation I feel towards bjj. Well, more frustrated than bored. But I'm also wondering do my training partners not get similarly tired of just sitting on me the whole time? I mean, myself, when I am seeing a pattern of mistake, I wheel back and figure "let's look at this and see where it's going wrong and make corrections."

no such help comes. And it's annoying as hell. Oh hey, congrats, you've got me in side control YET AGAIN. What a challenge it must have been. maybe this is just a symptom of training with people of equal rank. All jockeying for their next stripe/promotion. Why help anyone else? Or maybe this is is just what happens when your instruction is 90% king of the hill open mats.

morning class has a revolving cast of characters. Never sure which training partners will show up, which of them are cool with helping, which aren't. No real guidance. No wonder I've been stuck at same rank for years. I hate having this negative attitude about it, but I'm also done taking all of the blame for it.

and this is taking a much nastier tone than I'd like. I'm going to walk it off and get back to other tasks. I'm going to reorganize my kitchen today, dammit. TODAY. Step one: make the kitchen accessible and efficient, that I may feel more inclined to GASP cook my own meals.

Can't really go shopping yet, no room in the fridge. That will be next step.

I'm trying, honest, to make positive changes. But sometimes it's trying me.