returned to the mats last week. Reminded me of how people say the hardest part of going to a gym is sometimes just getting to the gym. Once my feet touched the blue mats, I really didn't think anymore about all of the various annoyances and frustrations that made the thought of putting on a gi just seem almost like an insult. A waste.
I've been the same rank now for 2 years. After returning to my original school, to its methodologies, I really expected to have made some sort of measurable progress. And I'm sure I have, but my belt knows no better. This paranoia always seems to kick up whenever my school does rank testing, as I see others progressing, earning stripes or belts and I think to myself, "They're getting better, I'm stuck where I'm at." Or worse, I start wondering when they'll surpass me.
This defeatist attitude is something that has long been present in my training. I don't know if it's a function of me sucking or a function of always training with bigger guys, or with guys who would sooner chop off their own balls than let some girl get a submission. But it's as much a habit of my training as defaulting to half guard.
The frustration is that I know I'm not stupid. I know that I can't not be improving. I just don't understand what is taking so damn long to stick. To work. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. And overanalyzing it just makes it all worse.
So effective today, I'm putting on blinders. I don't know if it's ADD or what but I get moves mixed up in my head when I look at too many at once. I'm picking something and sticking with it. Up first is guard passing. And I'm not moving on until it improves. Until something else looks like the biggest hole in my game.
Meanwhile, crossfit is going well. I actually got three double unders in a row, which is a huge gain for me. Running isn't as traumatic, although I doubt I'm getting any faster. At least I'm trying. It is pointing out other holes in my game. I can move heavy things all day. I don't quit. But speed, that's another issue. If slow and steady wins the race, then I'm fine, but these are timed workouts, so instead I get a real clear view of what limits me.
And it's to be expected. I'm very heavy. Dense. I'm not built for speed at this point. But all in due time.
More shake ups coming at work. Trying to remain calm and wait to see what this shift in the tide brings. I may have to work weekends, may get a better shift, may get a worse shift. At this point, I'm just hoping it's a change that means I can go back to evening classes. Because while I adore the folks in morning class, there are so few of them. And the instruction isn't as good, or frequent. Open mat has its place in training, but when it's more prevalent than actual instruction, I get annoyed.
We shall see.
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I know how you feel. Next February I'll have been a blue belt for three years, and there are plenty of lessons where I feel I haven't made any progress since the day I got it.
ReplyDeleteHowever, there are things I keep in mind to make myself feel better (I've also got a general post on frustration here):
1. You should only judge yourself against yourself, not anyone else at the academy. E.g, how would the you of today do against the you of six months ago?
2. Having said that, it is difficult to objectively judge your own progress: you're too close to it, so it's tough to see how those minor improvements you're making every class add up. Hence why it is best to leave the worrying about skill to your instructor, as they are in charge of giving out belts (not worrying is easier said than done, though!).
3. Focus on technique, paring down to the component parts. That way, you have a clearly defined goal: e.g., "for this side control escape, I want my hands to be here. Once I can get them here, I want my hips to be doing this. My feet should be here, I need to pull in this direction, I need this grip," etc. That also means you can come into sparring with a plan.
I don't know if you are going to read this as you haven't posted in a while, but this part of your post bothered me,
ReplyDelete"This defeatist attitude is something that has long been present in my training. I don't know if it's a function of me sucking or a function of always training with bigger guys, or with guys who would sooner chop off their own balls than let some girl get a submission. But it's as much a habit of my training as defaulting to half guard."
Most guys would sooner chop off their own ball than let guy get a submission. Would you be happy if they took it easy on you just because your "some girl?" don't worry it's a fact of life guys are probable going to out weigh you and have greater upper body strength. Girls usually have greater agility and flexibilty. Don't compete on their terms and have the attitude that you would sooner chop of their balls than let them get a submission on you.
thanks for the points, all. You both nailed points I should know, but need reminded of from time to time. I think my recent negativity stemmed from recent belt gradings at my academy. I did not myself test for anything, but these grading periods tend to make me three times as critical as I already tend to be. And it certainly comes along with a tendency to compare my progress with others'.
ReplyDeleteThis is a marathon. This is a marathon.
I also think that being placed in a sort of instructive role early on in my BJJ trip put a huge damper on my aggression level. I was (and still am) paired with newer folks, especially other women and girls. I have witnessed their tenuous embrace of BJJ, and I guess I learned to always dial it down so as not to scare them off.
But now that I think about it, I was rarely afforded such politeness. Now if I can just adjust the aggression level without also ramping up the injury rate!