I don't have a real specific story aside from this: I was trying to deadlift 235 a second time and something snapped in my back. That was like 3 weeks ago. Haven't done shit since then, except hunt last week. After the 1st week, I started going to the chiro again.
It still hurts a little, mostly when I've sat still too long. I'm hoping it fades soon, because I'm getting cagey to train again.
Sort of.
I still feel lost on the mats, and have felt this way for a few months now. It's immensely frustrating, especially when there's no apparent end in sight. No remedy pending. I'm hoping it's just another phase that I have to soldier through until it goes away, but I'm more of a planning type girl. Want to know where I"m going. How I'm getting there. How long it's gonna take.
And it's frustrating to love something this much and have it go through a suck phase. But there are times that I consider the entirety of my training to be a suck phase, so... I need rewiring.
Too much of my training has involved a slow concession of defeat. I enter each match with the mindset of "how long until I get caught?" instead of "how can I catch my opponent?" And that is a deep seated habit now, expecting to lose. While I'd love a quick fix to it, I know better.
Just like everything else, I'll have to bite, crawl, and scratch my way out of it.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
resuming saddle position
returned to the mats last week. Reminded me of how people say the hardest part of going to a gym is sometimes just getting to the gym. Once my feet touched the blue mats, I really didn't think anymore about all of the various annoyances and frustrations that made the thought of putting on a gi just seem almost like an insult. A waste.
I've been the same rank now for 2 years. After returning to my original school, to its methodologies, I really expected to have made some sort of measurable progress. And I'm sure I have, but my belt knows no better. This paranoia always seems to kick up whenever my school does rank testing, as I see others progressing, earning stripes or belts and I think to myself, "They're getting better, I'm stuck where I'm at." Or worse, I start wondering when they'll surpass me.
This defeatist attitude is something that has long been present in my training. I don't know if it's a function of me sucking or a function of always training with bigger guys, or with guys who would sooner chop off their own balls than let some girl get a submission. But it's as much a habit of my training as defaulting to half guard.
The frustration is that I know I'm not stupid. I know that I can't not be improving. I just don't understand what is taking so damn long to stick. To work. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. And overanalyzing it just makes it all worse.
So effective today, I'm putting on blinders. I don't know if it's ADD or what but I get moves mixed up in my head when I look at too many at once. I'm picking something and sticking with it. Up first is guard passing. And I'm not moving on until it improves. Until something else looks like the biggest hole in my game.
Meanwhile, crossfit is going well. I actually got three double unders in a row, which is a huge gain for me. Running isn't as traumatic, although I doubt I'm getting any faster. At least I'm trying. It is pointing out other holes in my game. I can move heavy things all day. I don't quit. But speed, that's another issue. If slow and steady wins the race, then I'm fine, but these are timed workouts, so instead I get a real clear view of what limits me.
And it's to be expected. I'm very heavy. Dense. I'm not built for speed at this point. But all in due time.
More shake ups coming at work. Trying to remain calm and wait to see what this shift in the tide brings. I may have to work weekends, may get a better shift, may get a worse shift. At this point, I'm just hoping it's a change that means I can go back to evening classes. Because while I adore the folks in morning class, there are so few of them. And the instruction isn't as good, or frequent. Open mat has its place in training, but when it's more prevalent than actual instruction, I get annoyed.
We shall see.
I've been the same rank now for 2 years. After returning to my original school, to its methodologies, I really expected to have made some sort of measurable progress. And I'm sure I have, but my belt knows no better. This paranoia always seems to kick up whenever my school does rank testing, as I see others progressing, earning stripes or belts and I think to myself, "They're getting better, I'm stuck where I'm at." Or worse, I start wondering when they'll surpass me.
This defeatist attitude is something that has long been present in my training. I don't know if it's a function of me sucking or a function of always training with bigger guys, or with guys who would sooner chop off their own balls than let some girl get a submission. But it's as much a habit of my training as defaulting to half guard.
The frustration is that I know I'm not stupid. I know that I can't not be improving. I just don't understand what is taking so damn long to stick. To work. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. And overanalyzing it just makes it all worse.
So effective today, I'm putting on blinders. I don't know if it's ADD or what but I get moves mixed up in my head when I look at too many at once. I'm picking something and sticking with it. Up first is guard passing. And I'm not moving on until it improves. Until something else looks like the biggest hole in my game.
Meanwhile, crossfit is going well. I actually got three double unders in a row, which is a huge gain for me. Running isn't as traumatic, although I doubt I'm getting any faster. At least I'm trying. It is pointing out other holes in my game. I can move heavy things all day. I don't quit. But speed, that's another issue. If slow and steady wins the race, then I'm fine, but these are timed workouts, so instead I get a real clear view of what limits me.
And it's to be expected. I'm very heavy. Dense. I'm not built for speed at this point. But all in due time.
More shake ups coming at work. Trying to remain calm and wait to see what this shift in the tide brings. I may have to work weekends, may get a better shift, may get a worse shift. At this point, I'm just hoping it's a change that means I can go back to evening classes. Because while I adore the folks in morning class, there are so few of them. And the instruction isn't as good, or frequent. Open mat has its place in training, but when it's more prevalent than actual instruction, I get annoyed.
We shall see.
Monday, September 6, 2010
break.
taking at least today off from bjj. might be all week. might be longer. might be shorter. It's not seeming fun right now. I'm annoyed with how things have been going, and I just need to pout about it a while and come up with another plan.
I actually already have another plan, but today I just want to veg. And drink coffee slowly. And probably play metroid. And I need to get more stuff cleared out of here to goodwill/trash for a pending move.
more later. I needs that coffee nowish.
I actually already have another plan, but today I just want to veg. And drink coffee slowly. And probably play metroid. And I need to get more stuff cleared out of here to goodwill/trash for a pending move.
more later. I needs that coffee nowish.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
probably not "easing back into it" per Rx
Started Crossfit this past Sunday. Went again Tuesday. Today is Thursday, and I am forcing myself to rest. This takes more effort on my part than just working out.
I really, really like the intensity of the workouts. It's an added bonus that I get to usually train with friends from my bjj school. The scheduling is a little tricky, thanks to my job, and that will force some lifestyle changes that I probably should have made ages ago anyway.
If I'm going to have to get up early for crossfit, I'll have to get to bed sooner. Which allots less time for dinner, which I really shouldn't be having at 1130 pm anyways. I may try a test run this evening -- just get home from work, down a casein shake, read a bit maybe... do whatever I can to be asleep before 11.
It's been an okay bjj week so far. I'm finding myself really annoyed with attendance, especially since it may impact the number of days the morning class (read: my only option) occurs in a given week.
But things are opening up. Now that I'm implementing crossfit into the mix, maybe having one less day of bjj during the workweek isn't terrible. Maybe this is my cue to start hitting up weekend bjj open mats. I'd rather be instructed, but with my work schedule, that simply isn't going to happen without a lot of privates.
Derailed a bit from deciding whether I'm doing Berardi's diet plan or just doing Paleo. I'll probably end up with a hybrid of the two. Lots of work to do there. I've just been too strapped to shop smart lately.
It's time to start knocking a hole in my freezers anyhow, so I may as well start finding venison recipes. It's going to be what's to eat for ages.
I really, really like the intensity of the workouts. It's an added bonus that I get to usually train with friends from my bjj school. The scheduling is a little tricky, thanks to my job, and that will force some lifestyle changes that I probably should have made ages ago anyway.
If I'm going to have to get up early for crossfit, I'll have to get to bed sooner. Which allots less time for dinner, which I really shouldn't be having at 1130 pm anyways. I may try a test run this evening -- just get home from work, down a casein shake, read a bit maybe... do whatever I can to be asleep before 11.
It's been an okay bjj week so far. I'm finding myself really annoyed with attendance, especially since it may impact the number of days the morning class (read: my only option) occurs in a given week.
But things are opening up. Now that I'm implementing crossfit into the mix, maybe having one less day of bjj during the workweek isn't terrible. Maybe this is my cue to start hitting up weekend bjj open mats. I'd rather be instructed, but with my work schedule, that simply isn't going to happen without a lot of privates.
Derailed a bit from deciding whether I'm doing Berardi's diet plan or just doing Paleo. I'll probably end up with a hybrid of the two. Lots of work to do there. I've just been too strapped to shop smart lately.
It's time to start knocking a hole in my freezers anyhow, so I may as well start finding venison recipes. It's going to be what's to eat for ages.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
my last post as a 35 year old
well, shit. I'm officially on the far side of my thirties.
fun morning of bjj, if a little short. Felt as though I was floundering during mount escape drilling, but I guess it wasn't too bad. Pretty sure my instructor would've been more than open with me about suckage.
My hand is still holding up well. A little achey, still a bit weak, but much much better. I still can't spend hours playing video games, but hey, I probably shouldn't be doing that anyway.
Took off work tomorrow. It's my day, dammit. Spending it my way. Which means I'll sleep until the cats insist on being fed (i.e.-- 730, same as always), have coffee, and then do some bas rutten cardio massacre. Looking at house(s), then I'm going to go have fish tacos at the only place in town smart enough to serve them. And I'll do this by myself since everyone I know has an irrational fear of fish tacos. idiots. No idea on my afternoon yet, but I'm going to judo class that evening. I know it's ridiculous to go to one class, but I like judo. I wish I could attend the class more often.
wish a lot of things. it's a rocky passage right now. I'm trying to not obsess over what I haven't done, or what I could've done differently, better, faster. Doing a lot of cost/benefit analysis with relationships. Some people seem to confuse tenure with "guest pass to act like a jerk". Unfortunate.
Sometimes you just put your money on the wrong horse.
bah. anyways, still trying to find my pace with training and improvement. It's tough. Small classes, limited instruction. That should probably be my cue to more aggressively pursue our curriculum and let it guide things on occasion.
I flatly refuse to feel older. or less capable. or hopeless. I'm just as strong, stubborn, and determined as I've ever been. Only now I'm a little wiser. Sometimes.
Or as Jay Z put it, "Thirty's the new Twenty"
fun morning of bjj, if a little short. Felt as though I was floundering during mount escape drilling, but I guess it wasn't too bad. Pretty sure my instructor would've been more than open with me about suckage.
My hand is still holding up well. A little achey, still a bit weak, but much much better. I still can't spend hours playing video games, but hey, I probably shouldn't be doing that anyway.
Took off work tomorrow. It's my day, dammit. Spending it my way. Which means I'll sleep until the cats insist on being fed (i.e.-- 730, same as always), have coffee, and then do some bas rutten cardio massacre. Looking at house(s), then I'm going to go have fish tacos at the only place in town smart enough to serve them. And I'll do this by myself since everyone I know has an irrational fear of fish tacos. idiots. No idea on my afternoon yet, but I'm going to judo class that evening. I know it's ridiculous to go to one class, but I like judo. I wish I could attend the class more often.
wish a lot of things. it's a rocky passage right now. I'm trying to not obsess over what I haven't done, or what I could've done differently, better, faster. Doing a lot of cost/benefit analysis with relationships. Some people seem to confuse tenure with "guest pass to act like a jerk". Unfortunate.
Sometimes you just put your money on the wrong horse.
bah. anyways, still trying to find my pace with training and improvement. It's tough. Small classes, limited instruction. That should probably be my cue to more aggressively pursue our curriculum and let it guide things on occasion.
I flatly refuse to feel older. or less capable. or hopeless. I'm just as strong, stubborn, and determined as I've ever been. Only now I'm a little wiser. Sometimes.
Or as Jay Z put it, "Thirty's the new Twenty"
Thursday, July 29, 2010
membership drive for people who bench < 150 lbs.
Epic morning class yesterday. Nothing but me and 3 decidedly stronger, kinetically fascinating fellas. I knew it was going to be a rough day of being brutalized, but it had it's good points...
perhaps the one I am most looking forward to pursuing was the notion of logging hundreds, thousands of reps of just one move. Muscle memory is something I am a huge fan of, but finding willing participants of the notion of "repping it out" is extremely challenging. None of us seem to be granted any really solid attention span, in spite of being quasi-obsessed with BJJ. This is to be expected in the high school to college age boys, but what excuse have I?
this idea came up between my instructor and the first guy who showed up -- apparently the notion coming from team lloyd irvin? -- that logging a metric shit-ton of reps is a way to become really, really good. Makes sense to me. The trick, again, is finding someone who is willing to actually do the work.
I would consider getting a grappling dummy were it not for fear of faulty speculations should something happen, I die, and when people came to go through my belongings, found the dummy and assumed perversion. What a sucky tombstone that would make. "here lies timmyle, we found her stuffed lifesize man, and wtf?!"
anyhow, I know of only one person obsessed enough to do this, and unfortunately we only share one common day of the week for classes.
that was going well until additional people started finally showing up. then it naturally turned into round robin. fine. I'm still making my peace with round robin, king of the hill, whatever. I was with people who at least let me work some, which was cool, aside from the mental roadblock of the whole patronizing nature of it. Yes I realize I can't have it both ways. It's just annoying.
then even later strong wrestler type boy shows up. He missed the part where I asked "hey turn it down a notch or two, huh?" as he proceeded to do what wrestlers do: go apeshit crazy. I mean that with respect. Part of me is really jealous that I can't impose my will like that.
I hate those rolls. I go back to defend defend defend. Which I now seem to pair with a good measure of oh, you want to see who's stubborn? Sorry, but I'm not tapping to a half ass brabo. If I'm not losing oxygen/blood flow to my brain, nope it ain't happening. This guy had been decidedly selfish, so I decided to return favor.
go ahead, crank on my neck to and fro. squeeze your arms with all your might. That arm isn't under my neck, hell it's not even across my chin. You go ahead and flood your oversized, purty muscles with lactic acid. I ain't tapping. I am, however, going to enjoy watching you struggle against someone your own size next round-- with tired arms. Enjoy a taste of your own medicine.
I hate having an attitude like that, I know it's poor. At one point, as I was being sloppily flattened out with a decidedly ridiculous level of intensity, I said "hey, congrats. you're strong." I'm sure the insult was lost. I don't know, I should probably look at this as the fella respected me enough to go hard instead of be the limp rag roll (which I detest more than the roid rage roll, believe me), but damn.
I'm writing it off as "it's just the way it is" and trying to not let it affect me so much. The mindset of "resistance is futile" only feeds that perpetual defense mode thing I complain of.
At least I got some clutch advice -- I finally was told what it was I was doing that kept getting me armbarred or triangled from standing guard pass (I'm sure my regular training partners are going to be bummed), and given what was quite possibly the most hilarious and true suggestion:
from the mouth of Bowman, "stop being so nice"
I almost forgot the award winning part of yesterday's hayelp!-fest: I dealt with some really, really strong individuals, gave it as much as I could until things started getting sore and pulled, tried to enact some offense on occasion, and didn't experience any pain from my wrist. I think it's healed. I think if it weren't healing/healed, yesterday would have pointed out the weaknesses. It's weaker, my hand gets tired (an odd sensation), my grip isn't what it used to be, but those are all workwithable things.
game on. hell yeah.
perhaps the one I am most looking forward to pursuing was the notion of logging hundreds, thousands of reps of just one move. Muscle memory is something I am a huge fan of, but finding willing participants of the notion of "repping it out" is extremely challenging. None of us seem to be granted any really solid attention span, in spite of being quasi-obsessed with BJJ. This is to be expected in the high school to college age boys, but what excuse have I?
this idea came up between my instructor and the first guy who showed up -- apparently the notion coming from team lloyd irvin? -- that logging a metric shit-ton of reps is a way to become really, really good. Makes sense to me. The trick, again, is finding someone who is willing to actually do the work.
I would consider getting a grappling dummy were it not for fear of faulty speculations should something happen, I die, and when people came to go through my belongings, found the dummy and assumed perversion. What a sucky tombstone that would make. "here lies timmyle, we found her stuffed lifesize man, and wtf?!"
anyhow, I know of only one person obsessed enough to do this, and unfortunately we only share one common day of the week for classes.
that was going well until additional people started finally showing up. then it naturally turned into round robin. fine. I'm still making my peace with round robin, king of the hill, whatever. I was with people who at least let me work some, which was cool, aside from the mental roadblock of the whole patronizing nature of it. Yes I realize I can't have it both ways. It's just annoying.
then even later strong wrestler type boy shows up. He missed the part where I asked "hey turn it down a notch or two, huh?" as he proceeded to do what wrestlers do: go apeshit crazy. I mean that with respect. Part of me is really jealous that I can't impose my will like that.
I hate those rolls. I go back to defend defend defend. Which I now seem to pair with a good measure of oh, you want to see who's stubborn? Sorry, but I'm not tapping to a half ass brabo. If I'm not losing oxygen/blood flow to my brain, nope it ain't happening. This guy had been decidedly selfish, so I decided to return favor.
go ahead, crank on my neck to and fro. squeeze your arms with all your might. That arm isn't under my neck, hell it's not even across my chin. You go ahead and flood your oversized, purty muscles with lactic acid. I ain't tapping. I am, however, going to enjoy watching you struggle against someone your own size next round-- with tired arms. Enjoy a taste of your own medicine.
I hate having an attitude like that, I know it's poor. At one point, as I was being sloppily flattened out with a decidedly ridiculous level of intensity, I said "hey, congrats. you're strong." I'm sure the insult was lost. I don't know, I should probably look at this as the fella respected me enough to go hard instead of be the limp rag roll (which I detest more than the roid rage roll, believe me), but damn.
I'm writing it off as "it's just the way it is" and trying to not let it affect me so much. The mindset of "resistance is futile" only feeds that perpetual defense mode thing I complain of.
At least I got some clutch advice -- I finally was told what it was I was doing that kept getting me armbarred or triangled from standing guard pass (I'm sure my regular training partners are going to be bummed), and given what was quite possibly the most hilarious and true suggestion:
from the mouth of Bowman, "stop being so nice"
I almost forgot the award winning part of yesterday's hayelp!-fest: I dealt with some really, really strong individuals, gave it as much as I could until things started getting sore and pulled, tried to enact some offense on occasion, and didn't experience any pain from my wrist. I think it's healed. I think if it weren't healing/healed, yesterday would have pointed out the weaknesses. It's weaker, my hand gets tired (an odd sensation), my grip isn't what it used to be, but those are all workwithable things.
game on. hell yeah.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
yeah, listening to warnings. Not a strong point.
Started wearing my vibram fivefingers to the gym to lift. And this was all fine and well on chest/shoulders day, but a couple of days ago was legs day.
Legs day is always a big ol mess of me loading up way too much and just wreaking havoc on myself, but I really didn't anticipate several things/effects here. Leg presses I put up more than I have in ages (but that has been a steady increase anyways). Lunges, I was weaker (I'm assuming conventional shoes were giving way more stabilization than I thought). My arch nemesis, the hack squat, is still a wash. I'm not losing anything, but the gains are obscenely slow. I'm still working on finding the proper foot placement/alignment so my knees don't get sore.
I'm mostly taken aback by just how freaking sore my ankles are. Since I equate soreness with progress, though, I'll just make note and adapt. And by adapt I really mean "go about my workouts just the same and tell my ankles to suck it up already."
My wrist is doing really, really good. I'm giving it another week before making further decision on 2nd round of shots, but I'm about 85% certain it won't be necessary. I'm a much friendlier person without the chronic annoyance and pain.
On the mats, though, I'm still rolling like it's hurt. Which isn't great, since I've already identified a severely lopsided nature to my rolling as is-- all defense, next best thing to no offense. Granted, my wrist was hurting for well over 6 months. It's just a habit I'll have to get over with time.
(dammit)
still trying to keep with doing clubbells once a week, just to recondition my grip strength. I'm toying with the idea of doing stand up work again, since the gym has a new boxing instructor. I occasionally miss hitting things. Not enough time in the day/week to do all the different types of training I want to do.
Legs day is always a big ol mess of me loading up way too much and just wreaking havoc on myself, but I really didn't anticipate several things/effects here. Leg presses I put up more than I have in ages (but that has been a steady increase anyways). Lunges, I was weaker (I'm assuming conventional shoes were giving way more stabilization than I thought). My arch nemesis, the hack squat, is still a wash. I'm not losing anything, but the gains are obscenely slow. I'm still working on finding the proper foot placement/alignment so my knees don't get sore.
I'm mostly taken aback by just how freaking sore my ankles are. Since I equate soreness with progress, though, I'll just make note and adapt. And by adapt I really mean "go about my workouts just the same and tell my ankles to suck it up already."
My wrist is doing really, really good. I'm giving it another week before making further decision on 2nd round of shots, but I'm about 85% certain it won't be necessary. I'm a much friendlier person without the chronic annoyance and pain.
On the mats, though, I'm still rolling like it's hurt. Which isn't great, since I've already identified a severely lopsided nature to my rolling as is-- all defense, next best thing to no offense. Granted, my wrist was hurting for well over 6 months. It's just a habit I'll have to get over with time.
(dammit)
still trying to keep with doing clubbells once a week, just to recondition my grip strength. I'm toying with the idea of doing stand up work again, since the gym has a new boxing instructor. I occasionally miss hitting things. Not enough time in the day/week to do all the different types of training I want to do.
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