another hiatus. obviously.

The best part of this post is that the title was saved (no actual text, mind you) back in April.

I never even came back to attempt said excuse for hiatus. Le sigh.

I'm not sure I actually feel like attempting it now. Here's the long and short of it: My work schedule hasn't changed, so neither has my ability to train with any sort of regularity. I got wore out from trying to scramble after people to train with all hours of the night and day, and having them either bail last second or never commit to begin with. I also know myself enough to realize that once a week at an open mat isn't enough for me. 

I still make it to my self defense class, with some regularity. And maybe as the seasons change and weather turns crummy again I may find myself more apt to hanging around for open mat, but during this summer, I just couldn't convince myself to stay in a room breathing in the smell of staph, foot, and ass and teasing myself with a tiny bit of bjj. I love it too much to halfass it. That's the truth of it. 

I feel the pull still, but have had to acknowledge that I cannot pursue it as I do all things I actually care about: relentlessly. 

So rather than torture myself with what isn't, I've just shifted focus to what I can do. 

And pursuing what I can do has led to me getting more than halfway through my weight loss goals. That has to translate to mat improvement, whenever I do resume training. My cardio has to be better (although most days you'd have your hands full trying to convince me of it). My flexibility has come back. 

I'm trying to make sure I don't let the sort of misery I sometimes experienced in bjj find its way into my pursuits in crossfit, although I've already sensed familiar patterns of annoyance as I chase after strict pullups. 

It's supposed to be hard. It's supposed to take time and work. But above all, it's supposed to be fun. 

more another time.