has something awakened, or is my ego running rampant...

the earlier part of this week, something set me the hell off - it really wasn't anything new, but for some reason it just didn't sit well with me. I was struggling with deadlifts at crossfit, which also isn't news - after injuring myself pulling up 235 a year or so back, I've had some serious fear and apprehension.

But I'd long since gotten back to okay numbers, usually putting up 205 easily. That day, I stalled out at 185. I looked around and watched other ladies surpass that with varying degrees of ease.

And it made me furious. And determined.

In my earlier, formative years of lifting, it wasn't at all unusual for me to put up the highest numbers in my gym. In fact, I usually insisted on that being the case. But those were the days of youth, pride, and better recovery systems. And more recently, I've had to settle for not being anywhere near the strongest girl in the room. And I've been just fine with that. I normally take a goodly portion of inspiration from seeing folks put my numbers to shame.

So what the hell changed?

"Pride goes before the fall"

This has echoed in my head for the past few days. I bumbled through a workout that involved a stout number of deadlifts at lower weight this week. As per usual, my back tightened way the hell up. Not to the point of injury, just a strange fatigue that I couldn't justify the early appearance of. It made no sense - how can my lower back tire so quickly? I mean, I do bjj. I can do any variation of a squat with a fairly respectable weight. I stand in guard with far heavier weights wrapped around my hips.

what. the. deuce.

Halfway through, I pulled plates off the bar thinking it would return me to proper form. Nope. So it wasn't the weight. It was suggested to me that I stop, mid workout, if my back wasn't digging it. That just set me off into a ridiculous prideful fit that I now regret.

What am I trying to prove? I could've reinjured my back insisting on that sort of display. I'm probably lucky that I did not. That time. Idiot.

I've since been reading up on the 5/3/1 method of strength training, and would like to give it an honest go. A friend remarked "oh yeah, good call, more lifting. Since you need more injuries." And I don't know if this is good advice or not. Is more lifting what I need? Or less. I mean logically, more time under/around the bar should translate into better performance, should it not? Or would I be derailing the programming at crossfit by supplementing it...

This hasn't been all negativity. I mean, I'm newly driven towards improvement, which I think is a good thing. I just need to figure out how to temper that enthusiasm into helpful, not hurtful, ways. My tendency towards red-lining is well documented.

so I guess I need a choke chain for my ego during this phase. and a short leash.